“But how does it feel?”
so
i took a few breaths
let me continue this.
i woke up this morning
and put myself together
decided to pack up all my stuff and just leave.
the Crown didn’t call, as he said he would
as i knew he wouldn’t
i called Adriano
and he told me he was busy moving a friend, to call him later
so i went to the cafe and learned that i’d probably given he and other friends ghonnorea
which
just
put
even
more
of
a
DIMMER on the day.
so i finish emails and go call adriano again
no answer
cool
i get food at the market
there’s music playing
a really hot bear in the forest of the Republica park
but i don’t even want to cruise him and meet him and corrupt him
i’ve got a little torture factory going on inside me
i really gotta pee
i find a deserted park on the walk to adriano’s
and piss in a drain
i call
he’s not there
i call and call
cell phone ringing and ringing
house phone ringing and ringing
but i know he’s there..
he has to be.
i keep walking
it’s not that far, but i got my bag
i get to his house
still no answer
so i want to write to myself
pen still doesn’t work
find an old pencil (from michigan, where did i get this?)
and sharpen it on the cement
to a little graphite nub
i scratch out all the people i had sex with
and how i felt
and all the randomn words going through my head
“sure, let ye who is without sin cast the first stone
go ahead”
get up
call him again
no-go
so i spaz a second
leave a message on his cell phone
and regurgitate
i mean, gather
myself
and decide to call Smurf.
Now…
hm,
i have a few different worlds
but we just came out of a mercury retrograde in capricorn
:life choices like career
but for me,
well, i’m a solopsist, i was telling a friend tonight
i don’t like to admit it, it’s very amature
but still, just being Honest
the world is me
i am me
god is me
rather… i mean, these are the logical extremes
and when i feel hateful, sad, lonely, fucked up
i just want to cut out all the bull shit
the beautiful hibiscus trees in bloom
the nice curve of the belly
the clouds turning golden
fuck it, want to cut out all the disease and dying and lying and useless trying
want to just be god
alone
nothing else
just to get things clear for a moment.
so everywhere i go is me
everyone i meet is me
is me and daddy
me and my bro,
me and me and me and me again
“sure it’s kinda lonely, yeah, it’s sort of Sick, when you’re one and only is a dirty selfish trick” (thank you louden wainwright)
so
i have a few differnet worlds
in one of them
i’m just a guy
so last year i was just a guy in europe
a little bit lost
going through the punches
wearing the bruises well
eli came to visit and i got really fucking sick
and it changed all my plans
which i held against him
which i hated him for
but he was trying to prepare himself for his dad dying
and he was trying to get me back into the world of friends
not Fuck-mates.
see, many people i meet
it’s nice
but there is nothing there but sex.
and many of them don’t do anything with sex
don’t think about it
don’t understand it
hardly feel it, but for the burst at the end
(yes, there are many others, thank you for your presence)
so there are many sugar people
rots my teeth
(there you go, danny, dreams about our teeth falling out… and about 50% of the men down here have pop-eye arms, so beautiful,but they’re the straight ones… for all the good it does us)
and eli was trying to bring me back to the world where you meet people to have sex with because of love
because of a wholistic life
i know this now
i knew it then!
i just didn’t really understand it then
back then, i had just met Chad
and chad kept re-occuring
Chad is about my age, a bit older
travelling kid
totally different than me
sagitarrius
straight
american, kinda
grew up, kinda, in the UK, still lives there, kinda.
he invited me to brazil last spring (US standards)
and i really wanted to go
but was under the spell of needing daddy
(what the fuck?)
with yacov
so couldn’t
ironically
daddy (larry, my blood father) bought my ticket to come down here.
so i emailed chad and asked him for contacts.
i didn’t want to stay with more bears i’d be afraid of giving diseases to
and, honestly, just wanted to stop the roll i was on
take a break
change tracks.
chad gave me some numbers
one of them was Smurf.
smurf sez
“yeah, come on over”
tells me how to get there
i have to stop at the internet cafe on the way, though
you know, i just loves me some computers…
i take the trains
and get to smurfs
just in time!
we’re on our way to his girl-friend’s sister’s boy-friend’s house for a fondue party
which i’m thinking, cool, right, rainbow hippy kids
right?
No.
the place is right by last night’s daddy’s house
(which is good, i left my hair stick there…)
and it’s a huge high-rise apartment.
and the whole family is there!
and none of them speaks english!
and we’re eating fondue!
and i’m terrified i’m going to give them all ghonnorea!
FUCK!
can you pass ghonnorea through a fondue pot?
wait a second
when did i start believing germ-theory bullshit again?
DAMN!
see, i don’t believe germ theory.
i mean, it’s valid, sure
i guess…
so is anything you believe in
we all need beliefs
what we belief creates our reality
we all got our own world to live through
but when i’m tired and angry an fall back into my solopsist mind-set
and i’m god alone trying to re-set the world from all that is Fuct (in my view)
i do my best to imagine other ways around things that are more empowering to the everyday god
instead of going through the old-school catholic heirarchys of doctors and drugs and shit.
so i can’t really talk to anyone at this party
but for what smurf is translating
and i’m really attracted to Mario, damn he’s cute, little furry italian guy
hmmm, pop-eye arms…
and i’m thinking about giving him ghonnorea
and the mothers of the daughters, them too
and the young girls, them too
and i’m thinking about germ theory
and Lurgees
and ReSponSibILLiTIES
ask yourself
“What should i do?”
do i say
“no, i can’t eat any of this fondue, sorry”
or
do i wake the fuck up and alter my reality out of this dark heavy hole i’ve put myself in?
well, i can only do that through understanding
my teen age mentor, trent reznor, comes into my head
“there is no god up in the sky, tonight
no sign of heaven anywhere in sight
all that was true is left behind
once i could see now i am blind
don’t want the dreams you try to sell
this disease i give to my Self
and how does it feel??
SUCK SUCK SUCK”
yeah, fuck that shit.
putting it together, bit by bit.
as i’m walking up that hill
running up that road, running up that building (io)
to get my hairstick back from that daddy
(he’s fallen in love with another boy tonight, this one will be his boy friend, really)
i see a sign for a “rock-clothing store”
big dragon holding an electric guitar
think of nine inch nails
think of anger
think of dragons
dragons
the symbol of creative energy
and knowing how creative the violence and anger can be
and the passion of sex
i harness my dragon
i ride it
through my fear and self hatered
wait a minute
how many hundreds of dicks have i sucked in the world?
how come i’ve never got ghonnorea before?
wait a second, leo’s sucked 2 million dicks
and
well, he’s got it in the past
but not for 20 years…
why am i doing this to myself?
the people that i wrote and told
two of them immediately replied and were like
“i’m fine”
one had even got checked by a doctor since we’d had sex
Zero.
germ theory, how silly.
open dorrs? no boundaries? melting foundations?
yeah…
i’m so sorry dominic
i love you.
on the train
i saw a very tired white woman
with a brightly coloured anime bag
the charecter said
“i want you to say ‘love’ to me instead of ‘sorry’.
i am very happy to be with you”
i stood on another platform
waiting for another train
and thanked god for my gag reflex
that is
in my life
i often indulge myself until i get sick from it
ice cream
chocholate
sex
etc…
but i always stop after that…
i know so many who don’t.
i am here to support my mother in seeing a miracle
she just wants to witness one…
it amazes me
i mean
the fact that anyone is alive at all is a miracle
every time i get in a car i’m amazed it doens’t explode or crash into something
a plane? MY GOD!
sex is pretty insane
and that anyone could survive being a child…
the list is endless
i see miracles every fucking day
MILLIONS OF THEM
but i always forget
(laughs)
laughter and forgetting, right?
well,
after all the pain and anger and worry
i’m happy i remember right now
if only for a moment
before i go to sleep
shorty before the sun rises
love you all
thanks for keeping us alive.
(5am)
so
last night
um
so
Yesterday
right?
i buy some herbs
unha de gato
and
salvia
i go to visit this guy i met on line
the whole time we’re in the computer room
the whole time he’s on the computer
or me
like fuckin junkies.
we have sex
but he can’t get hard
and he’s taking pictures
and it’s porn.
right?
the tea was good though
and he’s nice
so i leave
and go to another guy’s house
who i met on the internet
and he’s like
all over in a millaaasecond
and like, totally in love
and all that angel shit
and like
after the sex
i say
>>why did i just do that?<:trust issues.
daddy!
so, daddy.
daddy demands my attention
but doesn’t keep my interest
he walks me around, holding my hand
the little french girl in my head
who always says “excuse` moi… Merci” on the train
she turns into a bitchy queen and starts taunting
“Oh, le Cling, Le CLING”
i ditch daddy and go dance with the hot guy (who i didn’t meet on the internet, but outside of the bar on the street)
we’re dancing hand in hand, arm in arm
disco-diva hands over our heads
there’s jimmy summervill
there’s brazilian traditional stuff with acordians
but i’m feeling all guilty about daddy
and what’s worse
i can’t keep from kissing this guy
and it’s just a kiss
no
dominic has to dive down his throat
ohhh, dominic.
i feel guilty, poor daddy
poor guy in front of me who’s not just been in san francisco
(and for you folks at him, SF is all about melting boundaries (for me) all about “hi, could i dive into you?” — freaks me out, very addictive, very dangerous)
poor me, who’s feeling like a freak
adriano behind me smoking a joint
not offering any to me
suddenly it all comes crashing down
and when i’m on a binge
i crave moments like these
i bow out
walk home
(um, hotel)
and sit
try to write, pen goes dead
commissserrratte with myself
try to read
Ganesha… great stuff in there
One Hundred Year’s of Solitude
“he didn’t like death too much, had to come back… couldn’t stand the solitude”
wow.
fall asleep
yeah, sleep
fine.
i sleep
wake up wishing i was dead.
sometimes life’s just like that
“you’re an angel
you’re a deamon
you’re just… human”
— james, “lullabye”
let’s cut this post in half
sometimes i get in trouble by expressing my singular views…
i was walking through a park with a friend and told him i don~t believe the world has victims…
we were talking about the homeless here in são paulo…
upon arrival, i saw a woman sitting on the ground with one coin in a translucent plastic bucket
she was rolling it on end around the bottom
and there was a black ring from her doing it so long
“oh, look, i have only one coin…”
by the hotel i was staying at
there was a raised freeway
and under it
the occasional homeless
two black boys wrapt in blankets
in the middle of the sidewalk
writhing a bit
as if they were caught in bad dreams
it was the middle of the day
and people would nearly step on them
and stop, startled,
adjust their paths
and walk around them.
the homeless are easily ignored no matter what
but they are very ballsy here!
as i was saying
we all make choices
and there are many differnt job positions here in the world
as your director or boss may have told you
“there are no small roles, only small actors”
or
“even the mail boy keeps the whole office working”
i like to think we~re all omnicient
and like to play the human game of being lost and confused
not knowing why things are happening
when really
we do.
we~re not victims, none of us
so i like to say
but it still pisses me off…
i think i got ghonnorrea from sharing a water bottle with a friend in SF
i didn~t know it could be passed like this
but someone i gave a blow job to wrote me right after i got to brazil and said he had got it from me
i ignored it, really
thinking >> oh, he~s just blowing things out of purportion, some people are always getting infections and they think they are ghonnorea…<<
but i asked him if the doctors said so, just to be sure…
then i noticed more and more that my throat hurt and my ass hurt and my dick burned
and he did write back and said he was sure…
and had already had sex with a bunch of people
i had to write them all letters…
tail between my legs
i feel terrible, the harbinger of disease
and i don~t want to just go solve it quickly with a pill
i want to cure it with sun
and sage tea…
i want my body to identify it
find it
destory it
and protect me from it
i~m in a strange culture now
with strange bacteria
and i~m travelling and tired
i~m sure i~m already pushing my immune system
and i want to keep having sex with the beautiful brazilians, but…
Oh,
when i walk down the streets
i keep thinking i see dead dogs.
maybe it~s just the heat of the day
they lay there
completely still
eyes closed
i don~t even see them breathing
in the middle of the sidewalks
like they~re dead
but they musn~t be…
everyone just walks around them
they must be used to it now
it~s amazing what we can get used to.
i~m leaving the city.
i don~t know how.
i got some contact numbers from Chad, a traveller rainbow kid i met in italy last year
i~m waiting for the emails to respond
i~m trying to get the phones to be answerd
but sometimes no one pics up
and i sit on the corner sharpening a pencil on the cement
etching down my confused feelings in my little book…
now the sun is gone
and the night is almost here
time to be going
perhaps next time i write
i~ll have a tan.
so my last week or so in the USA was crazy
i was struggling to understand the nature of my loving
with my friend Leo
and at the same time
trying to make money
and satiate my monster sexual desire
in the beautiful but monstruous sexual monster of San francisco
i did pretty well on all accounts
as the currents took me on
Los Angeles was also really intense
i got to see my friend Walter
and directly after, Eli
we have a menage-a-trois of sorts
from a movie we made
which reminds me, i need to give them eachother’s contact information.
but i tell all this just to say: i didn’t sleep much
less and less in the city
as the moon was waning
i just got more tired and more tired
and rushed around doing things
trying to have sex with those i wanted to see before i left
and conversations of other sorts with the others
and of course
i didn’t have enough time and space to make it all fit
my last night in LA i didn’t sleep at all
could hardly keep my eyes open standing still
nodding off in the airport
but it was great
i slept pretty well on the plane
and i know, from the many times i’ve done this
that it’s a great way to travel to a new place
all that exhaustion makes the eyes wide
taking in everything
tired brain doesn’t get a chance to judge
just absorb
the buss ride in from the airport was brilliant
the beautiful river
turn dirty
clogged with tires and foam
the little shack-villages under the bridges by the freeway
similar to south africa
but actually much less
and the city
the old architecture
the new
the small winding streets
the huge ones
when i got into the paulista district
three guys started pointing and hollering at me in the buss
i didn’t have a place to stay
or knew anything about the city
but i grabbed my bag and asked the driver to let me off there
it was, apparently, a pretty rich area
and people stared at me strangely
nice smiles, though
i didn’t feel put out
i bought some bread and garlic and cheese:
Gouda… not with real wax, but dyed on the outside of the cheese to look like it…
hmmm
i walked around and stopped
looked at my map
realized that this wasn’t where i wanted to be
i wanted to be in the gay area of town
there’s always a language to speak there…
so i figured the way
and started walking up the big road…
Consdãçao, i believe
i don’t know how to discribe…
the dirty traffic air
the un-even sidewalks
the rolling ground
strange buildings…
and little snack-shops
i stopped and bought what i later came to know as a “coxinha” or “little thigh”
which is a deep fried potato dumpling filled with spicy chicken
it was amazing!
i was so surprised i loved it so much
and love that they sell these everywhere
i haven’t had a real meal since i’ve been here
just little bites in many differnt places…
anyway
walking up that road
i saw a large grove of beautiful trees
so i turned an followed the solid wall that kept me from them
on the far side
i found the entrance: it was the city cemetary
old and jam-packed
i was totally exhausted
sweating
and had just got something in my left eye
so i walked in and sat down on one of the plots:
there was no ground here
tiny alleys between huge ornate momorials
large sculptures
beautiful trees
i walked in there for perhaps an hour
and on my way out a man stopped and started talking to me
i didn’t understand, of course
and he didn’t understand english,
but, like many of the people here, that didn’t stop him from talking to me
he explained that people came in vandalized the graves a lot
ripped off the plaques and stole the marble facing
!!!!
of course i’d never do anything like that
he shook my hand
and i was on my way.
i figured i’d go to the gay area of town
see if i met anyone intersting on the street
then call some of my internet contacts to see if i could find a place to stay that night
but on my walk i found an old apartment/hotel called the “Albany”
there were a bunch of old men sitting in the small lobby
all chatting
i hesitated a second in front of the window, to see if i could see the prices…
looked like it said
“35 reais a night”
which was almost half as much as the cheapest i’d seen
and the man at the desk walked out and looked at me
so i went in.
he didn’t speak any english
so went to get a friend, Eduardo
Eduardo was very talkative
he’d been in New Jersey before..
anyway
i decided to stay the night
and there were two prices
so i asked him about that
he said he’d give me a discount
i got 3 nights for 80reais
which is about 40 dollars
(grin)
perfect.
the shower drips
and if you reach up to touch the metal that the nozzle comes out of
it will shock you
as they heat the water in the head of the shower here
with wires sticking out, electrical tape splicing…
hmmm
and no toilet paper
but no worry, i went out into the city
found the hustler park
and watched the turtles
tatarunga!
and the men cruising
it was very intense
but i didn’t understand how it worked
so i went to call a kid i’d met on line who was brazilian, but had lived in SF for five years…
he said “what are you doing in that park! it’s very dangerous!, i’ll come meet you right away”
so i was waiting for him and some guy gave me the look
i followed him a bit
he was very passionate
i could feel the energy between us buzzing
too bad i couldn’t understand anything he said
i think he was trying to get me to come home with him
and i had just called adriano..
i so gave it a miss
instead, took off my shoes and introduced myself to one of the trees here
i don’t know it’s name
but it has things that look like roots that hang down from all over it
strong
i could climb up it
and sinewy skin
like a thousand muscles climbing up it
amazing
and it felt so good
“hello tree, introduce me to your land”
‘get out of the city’
“yes yes yes”
i found Adriano
and he was a big beautiful cute boy of 32
http://www.bearwww.com/koorax
very sweet
he introduced me to the bears here
little did i know
they have their own bar, and botique and knick-knack shop
(laughs)
tattoos and piercings too
little did i know
but happy to see
i told i was tired, but wired, as his friend had bought me an espresso
so i thought i’d go back to his house and start my on-line journal
“well, of course of course!”
we walked back, beautiful
the city over the city
deep below the cars rumbled
tall apartments buildings heaving up around us, surround us
this city is very easy to walk around, cept for the occasional un-eaven paving..
it seems small
but huge too.
of course i got no journal writing done that night
and would have loved to have slept with him
but knew i needed a good night’s sleep
and had payed for the room after all..
we said we’d meet in the morning…
but i slept 14 hours!
and will still very tired
i thought it was the morning
so i lazed about…
yoga
shower
nibbling
then headed down to call Adriano
and glanced at the clock as i was leaving the building
4:30?
ugh…
he wasn’t around
so i went to the sauna his friend had given me free passes to…
the subways are very deep here
deep and fast and filled with people
and i didn’t understand at all how the sauna worked
it was many “straight” men
and no private space
and i burned myself on the hot water the first shower i took
i’d not seen a double faucet since i got here
so i didn’t think about it and just turned it on…
but there was lots of great energy going around there
mostly the men all talking
in the actual dry sauna
there was a man giving scrub/bath/massages
and the others would all sit around and talk
very loudly and fast
singing songs a bit
and going on about things i didn’t understand
i met a nice young boy there, though
and when it came to us playing around
he just took my hand and put it over his heart
to feel the pounding
and the love
“listen to your heart, be in your heart, heal yourself through your heart”
i’ve been feeling kinda ill since i got here
but flying always does that to me.
he took me back to the centre of the city
warning me of all the dangers
o
the dangers!
and binladden won’t bomb the US next time
he’ll poison the water
and everyone will die!
oh the paranoia!
and in the bar he took me to
there was a man with a very big face
have you seen the film “Brazil” by terry gilliam?
there’s a mask that the interrigator wears in the final sceens… it was frightening , this guy’s face looked like that…
but i’ve not really been into bars lately
i drank some beer
(ugh, sweet)
and talked with some people
in portugese
which is lots of facial expressions and gruntings and bad spanish on my part
hand signals too
i went home and slept again
with plans for tomorrow
i woke this morning from a dream:
i’d been travelling with some man
we went to Hawaii together
upon arriving
he checked his messages
and found he must be in LA immediately!
“so we must get on the next plane back”
‘but wait, i have to at least get in the ocean!’
—travelling extreme
and next
i was in the back seat of this car with two girls driving
i think they were dykes
and was this still in hawaii?
the driver was an activist
and said she had no connection to god
i told her she really needed to work on a relationship with the infinite… know eternity intimately
then a cop started flashing
and she told me to play with my computer
“you’ve been mouthing off so much”
but i didn’t
i just connected with eternity
and dissapeared
i woke at dawn
and lay in bed becomming one with nothing
then everything
went down stairs for breakfast
there was none
started walking
and came here
it’s taken me forever to write this…
now i’m off to meet people
and eat some fruit
…
So, Because this is my first post
i will do a slight introduction (seeing as i didn’t put one in my Bio yet)
i’ve been travelling for about 8 years at this point.
i grew up in rural indiana, about 30 miles north of indianapolis, 6 miles outside of a small town called Zionsville
surrounded by cornfields on all sides but the left… a row of houses, then more cornfields…
moved into a larger, farther house when i was 10
and left indiana when i was 17
lived in the UK for a year (newcastle-upon-tyne)
and then returned to the USA to start exploring
… NYC, tucson, arizona, portland oregon, and the mountains of california are places i’ve spent long amounts of time
but since i left home at 17 i’ve not been in any one place more than 8 months
and in the last three years, more than three months
(other places in the usa: little rock arkansas, denver colorado, salem oregon, seattle, san francisco…)
though at this point i’ve been in almost all the states…
outside of the USA
i’ve been in south africa, china, mongolia, many places in western europe
and i’m in brazil now, as i write this.
this is my way of life
it’s how i understand
it’s how i teach and learn
it’s how i work
what i do for myself and the world.
we all have our ways of healing and our ways of running
and they are always built into our everyday lives.
i do my best to be as honest and loving as i can
strive for integrity and compassion
and to bring that to those i meet
maybe i’ll change this later
but just wanted to get a little bit of myself out there to start this…
i’ll be telling tales as they happen
but also relating what happened in the past
enjoy
…dominic
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