Month: January 2004

so, today was quieter
no plans
so i just slept in
it felt like i slept forever
from about 11pm to… about 8am
but it just felt so LONG
and i woke up very groggy
mom already at breakfast
i was so tired.
i arrived after most everybody had eaten
but it was story time
and many people sat around telling stories…
Marsha is a Medium, she lives in Orange County
she recounted many tales of Ghost Busting
(this actually happened)
she knows how to tell tales and leave people hanging
build the suspense
and then give a dramatic finish.
Josie told stories about her time living on the Navajo reservation
she has three books out
you can research them on line
author “Josie Ravenwing”
she told stories of songs and vision questing and the strange circumstance that led her there.
it is amazing to me that live will do EVERYTHING for you
if you ask
then listen
sometimes i forget…
and i was’t able to concentrate much today…
i after a simple breakfast of fruit
i collapsed back in the room
and though we were meant to meet up with some of Josie’s friends
some Indians from the Funlio tribe
mother suggested i rest
and i had to agree
coz not only was i tired as hell
but just then the rain started pouring down
so i started a meditation
energy pulsing and buzzing through me
i drifted out for about two hours to let my body and soul be worked on…
when i woke
my lust was back up
and i was surprised by this
part of the requirements for people who get surgeries
is that one must be abstinant for 40 days after the operation.
but i am the only person in the group who hasn’t got a surgery
so i worked myself up over fantasies and past occurances
not only because i have been waking up every moring with a hardon every day since i have been here
but i figured i would rather use it as a focused healing energy
than a wet dream
see, i feel i still have a bit of the ghonnorea
which is fine, i am not having sex
but i certainly don’t want any infections raging in me
and i am eating lots of fruit
sugar to fuel it…
drank some Malva tea again today
and spent some energy on that healing
then took a shower
and just after
mother arrived back
(yeah, i had a brief instant of wondering if i would be caught… kinda funny)
we went out for a walk
to visit the other Massage therapist in town
well, there are millions
but the Entity asks that no one who comes there does healing work of any kind
but those he permits
and he’s only permitted two in town
Sophia, who mother made an appointment with yesterday (for next wednesday evening)
who is only 20 and has mostly worked on children
her touch is very gental
and Charon
who has a huge estate,café/house thing
he is full of Pita
dark eyes and hair
firey energy
some say getting a massage from him is like being beaten with bats
and he makes you be naked with no sheet!
it sounds like his massage is similar to mine
but perhaps not as loving and carressing
but i don’t know
however, i felt it was what i needed
so we went to his place
and made an appointment for me
it was so beautiful..
and very Upper-Class
you can tell he’s spent some time in northern california
i am looking forward to the session
monday..
then we walked back to the pousada
where i left mother
and went off to the waterfall again
today there was no one
so i just took off my clothes and bathed naked
( i asked the spirits there if it was OK first… and they said YUP )
much better naked
much better alone
i sang and prayed
and focused
and felt SO much better
as i was leaving
the boy who gave me the prayer i was curious about
appeared
he, with his medium-length long hair
and his friend with the long long hair
odd, how there are so many people here
but we keep running into the same ones
but i wasn’t interested in staying around
i walked back up
and talked with a Mare and her Foal for a while
ahhh
got back to the Pousada and had a wonderful dinner of the brazilian version of Tamales, called Pamonha (pronouced “pah-mon-yha”)
and pizza
many varieties
with eggs and olives…
and bannanas, sugar and cinnamon
i am SO thankful that i get to be in one place for a while
and do very little else but heal, rest and EAT
i want to get a bit FAT
so that my next leg of travelling does’t require me to eat things i don’t want to…
anyway
the indians today were interesting
i am sad i missed them
everyone in the group bought head-dresses
of exotic feathers
all costing at least 100us$
some more
and that tribe is a specific healing tribe
so one of the men did healing on everyone
mom said she was shaking and sweating and crying…
said it was amazing…
and one of our ladies
wears a Third-eye Tiara all the time
made of copper, silver and gold
with an amythist crystal over the third eye
she’s been wearing it 10 years
says she wears it because Jesus told her to
and she has to, she loves him so much…
the indian told her she was his sister
and gave her a huge extra special head dress…
mom.. has issues with her
tries to avoid her as much as possible
… kinda an energy vampire…
mom said “he thinks you’re pretty special”
and the woman replied “well, i am Mother Mary…”
yes…
tonight they were going to do a special dance/ritual for us
but not if it rained…
well, after dinner the rain was falling hard
so i decided to go out on a walk and find them on my own
seeing that they wouldn’t be dancing
their shop might be open
i could see it myself, on my own…
feeling my same family-time-teen-age-desire-for-isolation
i went out walking…
and i thought i knew where it was
but never found it…
however, i was surprised and gladden’d to see
that only a block away from our pousada
brazil came back…
this whole time here i have been enjoying it
but it hasn’t felt like i have been brazil
compared to what i had experienced earlier
so many white people and new age stuff…
but here was the little bars and dirty streets and crumbling walls and exhaust fumes…
beautiful
a couple of interactions i could not communicate
but it made me happy
and then i found this cheaper and more individual internet place
in a pizza parlour
where i must now bid Adieu
as i am heading home to sleep
ta ra…

Um
so
yesterday
the morning session i was in the 3rd current room again
it was quite fluky, but i got in there, last seat
they usually reserve these for strong mediums who deal with the rush of energy
me, however, i just got bowled over and knocked out most of the time
i was groggy as hell the next part of the day…
mom was still out of it
her surgery had kicked her around a lot
she was sleeping all the time and in a lot of pain
now
the surgeries are wierd
i still haven’t got one… but i have seen one…
most people just sit in the opperating room / 3rd current
and, at the beginning of the given session, all of the spirits of the house
focus on them
and cut things out of them
remove things
replace things
re-arrange things
actually stitch things
re-wire things
it’s believable only through faith, honestly
i will tell my tale of it in a moment
i dragged myself back to the Casa after lunch because i couldn’t bare to miss a chance in the current
and sat in the 1st current room this time
there was a lot of talking
but i was pretty in the flow
and it was like doing a really intense reiki session
or yoga
or qi-gung
but just amplified a million
that is
it was very easy to stay in the flow
because it was the medium… more than air
i was submersed in it
so all i had to do was direct my energy and it would go
everyone i ever touched
i went to
and sent love and healing
a few of you
i would climb into your body
and hug you
feel your legs and face and belly
neck and shoulders…
pump you with energy
i would distribute gifts
travel from place to place and actually FEEL my friends
it was beautiful
also
i was focusing and sending energy around the Casa
to the surgeries
to João
to other people in the room who needed it
and, alternatively
i would fall back and let myself be washed
the song from “the cook, the thief, his whife & her lover” about
“wash me, wash me, and i will be whiter than snow”
forgive me, but i just found the lyrics to it
and must re-print them here
because they are running through my brain
it is from Psalms 51
(i know i know… i am not one you would think to quote scriptures)
it is mainly the first two stanzas the song is based on, but i am including the whole chapter
A Prayer for Cleansing
51Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy lovingkindness: according unto the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions. 2 Wash me throughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. 3 For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me. 4 Against thee, thee only, have I sinned, and done this evil in thy sight: that thou mightest be justified when thou speakest, and be clear when thou judgest. 5 Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me. 6 Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden part thou shalt make me to know wisdom.
7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. 8 Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice. 9 Hide thy face from my sins, and blot out all mine iniquities. 10 Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. 11 Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me. 12 Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit. 13 Then will I teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee.
14 Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, thou God of my salvation: and my tongue shall sing aloud of thy righteousness. 15 O Lord, open thou my lips; and my mouth shall shew forth thy praise. 16 For thou desirest not sacrifice; else would I give it: thou delightest not in burnt offering. 17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise. 18 Do good in thy good pleasure unto Zion: build thou the walls of Jerusalem. 19 Then shalt thou be pleased with the sacrifices of righteousness, with burnt offering and whole burnt offering: then shall they offer bullocks upon thine altar.
ok, if you don’t know the song, it is on the soundtrack for the film…
anyway
i felt very energiezed after that session
and met up with Martin and Elizabeth
these two beautiful people
(blubber)
that i met here
Martin, i have told this story already
but we meet every day
we obviously have some karma
he is 23
and has been here for 8 weeks after comming with his mother
is this a warning or a suggestion?
Elizabeth is a beautiful girl from Quebec City
i like her a lot
and have suggested her a few places of travel.
she is.. 20?
they invited me to the Waterfall..
there is a sacred waterfall
but you can only go if you have been told to go by the Entity
or if someone else who has been told to go invites you
so they had, and they invited me
it was the first really hot sunny day
i was barefoot after my first current experience
so i suggested i go get my sandles to walk the long rocky road
i went and fetched them
came back and met them at the Casa (about 10 mintues)
and then was told i must get a suit, no nudity is allowed now
(as orgies had been happening… now the sexes are segregated and no nudity permitted)
so back to the pousada, back to the casa (10 minutes)
then we walked the road
got down there
and there was a group of over 30 women there
all waiting
we waited
we talked
we told stories
and the sun dissapared
and there were still many people
so we gave it a miss
this morning
Josie suggested i see the Entity again
… to see if i should have a Surgery
as only two people in our 10 person group haven’t had a surgery
so she and i went to see the entity again…
this time i had tried to prepare questions..
or requests…
i wanted to know if i needed a teacher… or a discipline
and could i be gifted with one i could trust and respect?
i wanted something to take back to the communities i work in
to show them that what they think is un-healable can be healed
and i wanted him to show me how i could get back to that state he put me in…
i wanted to no longer fear love
i wanted to be able to help others with that same thing
(as i know so many people terrified of love)
i decided this was the most important thing
so when i got up in front of the Entity
well, almost
two people in front of me there was a woman
that the entity decided to operate on
right there
physical.
he sat her down i a chair and held out his hand
and assistant brought a tray full of scapels, hemostats… and kitchen knives.
he picked up one
put it back
and chose another
you know, the kind you’d cut your stake with…
he touched the woman’s eye…
josie and i and many other focused energy on the João and the woman…
he touched it again
he picked up her left hand and covered her left eye with it
he touched her right eye again
then pulled it open with his fingers
and started scraping it with the knife
started digging in under the eyelid
then whiped the blade off on her shirt
and pushed her to the attendants that wheeled her out.
now, apparently, this kind of surgery isn’t even necessarily for the eye…
he does lots of things like this… or used to
like sticking those 7″ long hemostats up someone’s nose
all the way
as if to burst through the top of their skull
but it doesn’t
apparently it transmutes into energy when it enters the body
people don’t even usually bleed
even when he cuts them open and removes things from them…
and it doesn’t really matter where he does the physical work
because there are a million hands doing work everywhere…
so anyway
i walked up in front of him
he grabbed my hand
and
..hmmm
fairy dust exploded in my head?
i cannot describe
like a fountain of fire that feels really good pouring up through my crown…
i liked it.
we got to read my first request, about not being aftraid of love
and he sent me to the waterfall.
josie wouldn’t let me go alone
so i walked with another man who didn’t speak english
barefoot
the long rocky road
it was beautiful
no one down there
still morning
due on the leaves of the small plants
i took the paper out of my pockets
and in full white clothes
doused myself for 15 minutes
washed myself
clean.
then i lay down in a pull further down the river from there
lay there and let the water pour over me, under me, all around
10 minutes or so
til i was shivering..
with cold or energy…
i got up
and was covered in leaches…
they only stayed on a minute or two
then all fell off
i wasn’t worried at all.
we said the Lord’s prayer
and walked back up.
then did the current again tonight
with mom
she asked to wear the Tau that Leo gave me
that is, st. Francis’s cross
she forgot his prayer
so, because everything here is connected
we started by saying his prayer
(grin)
like after my first current session
i thought >>what time is it?<< and someone reached in front of me to get water with a watch on their arm fully visible to me
like when i wondered where that one prayer came from
a man came up to me and started talking
and telling me about that prayer
and gave me a copy
because god knows everything
if you let him.
mom is much better
we are all much better
but i don't know how long i will be here
what i am to accomplish
what i need to do
i just want to be whole.
time is up
got to go

So, Mother got her surgery
it was an exceptionally long one
as far as i can tell
over half an hour
the energy was buzzing when i arrived
( i was writing while it was happening )
the lines still hadn’t started moving…
that is, there is a 1st time, 2nd time and a Come back later line (which i was in)
but before all of those
we do the surgeries…
six people from our group got surgeries…
i was sitting eating a coconut with Martin
when Josie came running out to find me
“they’re doing the 2:00 line first, come on!”
— they usually do them last… i went to check, it looked like they were doing them last
but obviously the Entity wanted me to have some time in my treatment
(egoist that i am)
the “come back and see me later” line is a seperate line that is usually refered to as the 8o’clock or 2o’clock line
depending on what time it is you have to come back to see him
becuase João doesn’t do the work, he just “incorporates” entities
so
when i went to see him
the Entity in him was very grandfatherly..
sweet, kind, held out his hand for me hold
told me to come back and see him later
but i had to sit in the current first
i was overwhelmed
i have only felt things like this on acid…
i got to be in god-head
that is, understand everything, do anything…
and i did.
however, i am NOT an omnipotent being
so it was really hard for me to focus on eternity all in one go
i like to broaden my perspective like that..
once i got myself open
i cleared myself out
and realized how fucked up i had been for a while
as i said
and i won’t try to tell the whole story
but i want to tell this one:
i programed every plant on the planet to tune anyone that consumed them into this energy
(grin)
so back to the (in the story) present:
Josie and i start moving through line, i bring my self down out of the high i was in
ground myself
get myself focused (as focused as i could be)
this time
the Entity incorporated in João was very business-like
had stuff he had to do
was rushing people through
Josie asked me if i had anything specific to say
and i scanned myself quickly…
there is either too much to ask for
or nothing at all
so i just said “no”
and we stood in front of him
he barely looked at me
just scribbled my prescription on paper and sent me to sit in the 3rd current room again
(he doesn’t often do this)
this time it was different
it explained to me some more things
and i remembered the part in “Donnie Darko”
when Donnie is talking to his Physics teacher
trying to figure out time travel
and being everywhere at once
the teacher is baiting him
and donnie says “so you could, theoretically, foresee the future if you are in God’s channel”
in
god’s
channel
i started laughing my ass off
kinda like he does in the movie
at the end
i laughed for a half hour
then i started working to complete some of the stuff i wanted …
i mean
eventhough i was operating out of time
and with unlimited energy and power
i had to FOCUS to get anything done
and.. well, really
that IS my weak point…
i can’t even explain it…
but when it over (more laughing later)
i got up and …
went back to the Pousada to check on Mum…
she was fine, as far as she could tell..
we had dinner
and then retired to the room
i was so excited
but once i lay down again
i felt the work being done on me
and how tired i was…
i was still reading “One Hundred Years of Solitude” and decided to read out loud to Mother…
the chapter was all about the war
but ended with the city being covered by the sky raining down small yellow flowers..
mom loved it…
and i let her rest
switched to Josie’s book
and felt things moving around the room working on mom
so flipped my back to her to give them privacy
and read for a while
til i felt them telling me to go to sleep
i shut off the light
and lay on my back
and for the first time in at least 3 years
i slept on my back without having to turn over…
but i woke startlingly at 5am from a dream of being with my friend Martin in Switzerland.
i met Martin the same place i met Chad
the Italian Rainbow gathering
he instantly reminded me of Louis
he’s thin
but otherwise almost identical
if you can imagine that…
he was wearing a Jack-Kerouac-Flat-Cap
and just full of life and adventure
we became instant friends
and Eli and i stayed at his house in Bern when Eli visited…
but in the dream
i don’t remember where we were
i or what we were doing…
but i woke with a shocked
i looked at the clock
and thought
>>>ugh, i don’t want to be awake now<<
and then heard the rumi poem
" the breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you
don't go back to sleep
you must ask for what you really want
don't go back to sleep
there are people walking back and forth over the threshold
where the two worlds touch
the door is wide and open
don't go back to sleep "
but i rolled over again
then again
then again
on my back again
i felt someone grab my foot
and looked up again
OK OK OK
i sat up and started brushing my hair
and then got into the shower
and, for the first time, got hot water
and washed my hair for 20 minutes
PHEW
good way to start the day
mom was all groggy, no chance of her going to sit in the current
but i showed her the sunrise
and then ran off to the Casa
danced around a bit
did some yoga
and claimed a seat in the first current room before there were hardly anyone else in there
but in the next 20 minutes
the place got packed
they have been having to lock it lately
because of create-comfort-upgrades
and the fact that there are just more and more people comming here
and they need to keep extra seats in case the Entity prescribes someone to go sit in there..
so i started my meditation already
and i hear the portugese facilitator say
"there is a , ummm, mother and child… and an older woman… and they need a place to sit… would someone give up their seat?"
i opened my eyes an no one moved.
no one moved.
when i was in school
it pissed me off when the teacher would ask a question and the class froze
so i would raise my hand after the count of 5 if no one else had
even if i had no idea
it was better to make a guess than sit in stupid silence
this time i was quicker than 5
i jumped up and offered my seat to the old woman
nobody moved
the mother and child sat on the floor in the corner..
so i am on the floor
my shirt is wet because i had washed it last night and the humidity just keeps things from drying here…
i the floor is ceramic tile
and after a while
i was just too cold
damp
and the lower energies
were making me sick
so i got up and left the room
and then was furious with rage
… at so many things..
make a longer story short
because so many things have just been happening here in the i-cafe i am writing in
and they are closing
and i need to get out of here
…
i will tell you latter
don't want to make these ladies wait…
and i have to formulate what i want to ask João tomorrow
because… i think i know now.
blessings
(you are all in my prayers)
…d

i am in brazil
but looking through my friend’s posts
i feel like i must do this
does this make me feel good about myself?
i am Azazel, i will devour the whole world
in time…

create your own visited states map

i am keeping the nucular family up to date with my mother’s and mine adventures
this is the first email i sent them
just now
it’s for you too:
So
today was the first time we saw João de Deus
honestly
i’ve just thought the whole thing was a fuckin racket
i’ve been keeping it to myself
only slightly expressing it to mom
coz i don’t want to burst her bubble, ya know
she’s so excited about everything
but there were a bunch ov americans here when we first arrived
all singing “michael row your boat ashore” and “kumbayah”
i’m serious!
so last night i chose to skip the shit
and go for a walk
because it, momentarily, stopped raining
mom came with me
we walked through the hills
ohmygod
it’s so beautiful
the red land
the termite hills
all the wild flowers
and the variations on daturas and mushrooms
this place is crazy
walking on beds of calcite
and dirt that looke like fine red/purple hair…
it’s really amazing
because it is the rainy season
everything is alive
lush
green
so gorgeous
and even up here in the wilds of brazil
we had two feral dogs walking along with us
jumping on us
playing with us
mom was amazed that she travelled this far and still didn’t get a rest from dogs..
we had a great time
and then went down to the Casa to see if we could catch the end of the America Show
it ends with blessings
and we made it just in time
when the priest blessed mom
he whiped her chest and told her she would breath easier
( i had been pushing her up and down the hills
she had to stop a lot to catch her breath… but by the time we got to the church her breathing had normalized: psychic/god/healing? )
last night we went to Anapolis to see a medium-painter
he channels spirits for each individual who asks for a painting
and, basically, paints a picture of a flower
he does it all with only his hands
and in about a minute
it was intense
in about an hour he painted 35 paintings
the ones for mother’s friend Kathy was most spectacular
and Kari’s was beautiful as well..
well, they all were
we were very chuffed
then ate fresh guavas off a tree
mom and i haven’t been sleeping well
we stay up late talking
like louis and i used to in the bunk beds
in the silence and darkness
one of us will say something
which will lead to a conversation
and then an hour later
we’re saying “goodnight” again
… til we speak, again.
so mom woke up this morning at 6 to prepare for her
Crystal Light Bath
(shakes head…)
i got one too…
some wierd machine with 7 chrystals suspented on rods shooting coloured light into the body
yeah, i could feel it, so could mom… but so hokey..
i mean, it feels like this place is the 70’s all over again…
so we’re all dressed in white
the casa is crammed with people
80% european/american WHITEs
they are all talking and moving about
i am getting really pissed off
i have been angry most of the time i’ve been here, actually
the casa is a Jesuit chappel
and i just don’t get into Ignacious that much
but
there we are
there is a video playing of João’s miracle operations
and i am getting more and more angry
they all look so FAKE
how can people buy this shit?
but
here they are
300 people +
crammed into this little church thing
and saying Our Father and Hail Mary in whatever languages they speak
and we’re standing in line holding little tickets
and i am fuming
we are all seperate in line so that Josie can translate what João says to us
which is good, coz i can’t stand near mom without us talking all the time…
the more angry i get
the more sad i get
coz i lack faith
and i want to be healed
i guess
there are people in wheelchairs
blind people
deformed people
but the majority of people are spiritual tourist
and i wish it were focused
they people who work there have to keep comming out and trying to focus the crowd to get them to shut up and pray
all the chatter
people making stupid comments
i close my eyes and start praying.
i pray for all ov you
and i mean my family
but i also mean my whole family:
everyone i have ever touched
all my lovers
all the people who i can’t talk to anymore
my dead friends
the whole world
it works
there is SO much energy here
if i close my eyes and get into prayer/meditation
it pulls me right along
but all the NOISE….
if i open my eyes i get angry all over again
but this time i glance at the TV monitor
and see João doing an opperation on some guy’s eye
and there is NO way that could be fake
that’s crazy
i shut up and close my eyes again and pray
and our line is moving now
i have been staning here for two hours
and i am in the first current room
and i am up above the earth
moving out in all directions
oh-o-o
(grin)
i was right there with it and i was
i walk up to João
and he extends his hand
i take it
and he says something to Josie
and sends me on
she says
“the entity needs you to come back this afternoon to see another entity, right now he wants you to go sit in the current”
so i did
and everything melted
and everything opened
and everything cleared and healed
oh, it is real
i forgot
and all the things i have been holding on to and forgeting and confusing
pass out
clear through
and i am everywhere
and i am everything
and
yeah
finally
i feel like i’m back
(laughs)
where the hell have i been?
it seems like only moments
but it was nearly an hour
and the session finishes for the day
everyone is floating on clouds
and i meet mom outside
she needs to a surgery this afternoon
she’s scared
i can’t talk yet
i do yoga
and it’s a beautiful day
then the rain came
and we had our Açai pudding and juice and yogurt
and met a beautiful guy from NYC painting amazing pictures
and everyone is amazing
and i am kissing them on the head
and i’ve got a while to wait til the right entity will see me
i didn’t have time to write last night
but i do now
.. so i thought i’d let you know what’s going on
(wink)
i’ll tell you when i know
…dominic

Ok,
so it’s an american jesuit evangelical vampyre cult.
no…
but, oh golly.
i walked up to the Casa de Dom Ignacio
and felt the energy pulling me
whipped me past the door
i started buzzing everywhere
started giggling
got all excited
but when i walked inside
there were mostly americans
singing “praise god” to the tune of “amazing grace”
and i thought >> mmm, when will michael start rowing his boat a-shore?”
it wasn’t too long, i assure you.
but there was a time when i was ok with all of this
when i knew that whatever way it took for people to express their relationship with god was OK
whatever they needed to do to feel holy, OK
and i don’t think this is all about that, what i saw just now
João wasn’t there, some guy named Ron Roth …
americans. lots of them.
white
Clean
Christians
clean…
i know about wanting to be clean
and was scared
feeling all the energy racing through me
are they trying to suck my life out?
in spiritual stuff as well as sex
i get nervous about losing all my energy
when i get scared
i get very limited
and when i am limited
i am small
i am a small one,
sometimes…
but it did feel good.
as i all “spiritual” situtations i walk into
i was paid much attention to
got a place to sit right up front, was beckoned,
was sent to be blessed first
but then they let the wheel-chairs and children go a-head of me
i’m not worried
and i looked at all the people
in whatever way feeling they needed something so strongly
the man on stage talking about ho he wasn’t neccessary
but doing the religeous double talk
which tries to empower people
but is still trying to keep them stuck to the tit
ahhh…
i looked at all the people
in pain and suffering
or in need of something
and
as i always do when i see these people
i blessed them
i am not really jesus, i swear
nor am i an angel, just…
but everyone needs love
god knows i do
so Josie said not to do any healing
just let myself be healed
and this is an art, being passive
some of you know of my endevours
so i will rest
i will practice Not Doing
and let myself recieve…
Yesterday was nice
i woke in the middle of the day
the house was filled with the remnants of last night’s party
and mom…
they layed around all day watching TV and talking
i told them i envied that
just doing nothing
… but with friends!
a long time …
so i went out
down town
filled with the preayta (hungry ghost) of lust
and just not getting any
the city was a full on party
i walked out of the train into the toilets to take a piss
and realized everyone in there was cruising…
tea-room style
third-world style
ugh
i left and went to see the cathedral…
simple in the same way
looked like it was mostly made of cinderblocks
but the moasics were beautiful, took some photos i hope i can send to Leo to add to his appreciation…
and went out to walk around the city
nothing called me
nothing was pulling my interest
i just wandered
hungry
but nothing made me want to eat it
all the way to Republica square again
looking for sex
but it was filled with markets
and a little cruising…
i bought some aquamarine and some local delicasies to fill my belly
then onward to the party at Anhagabau
they had blocked off the main highway in the centre of town
filled with people drinking and dancing
and all seemed to be waiting… for something
i cruised around
yes,and
just to see all the people
and the city
from walking in SUCH a car-only space…
i only talked to one person the whole day
the husband of the Crown i had been lusting after
we had our customary “chaser” relationship
of talking about sexy beefy men we saw
i felt so tired of myself
i danced along the semi trucks filled with people from each neighbourhood (Barra) celebrating their city
they gave me the “Bom!” (good~)
i walked a few Ks
then it started to rain
i took of my shirt and allowed myself to get drenched
while everyone was running for cover
i was dancing in it
and reveling…
getting a bit of attention
i was so tired of all this
didn’t need it
just going home to sleep…
so i went back
wrote for a bit
but never got around to this…
i went to sleep
and had a dream i went to visit Danny J Kemp
he lived in a large mansion in a dangerous area of town
and after i’d been staying there for a few days
we came home once and found someone had broke in
we walked around tentatively
and then the man jumped out at me
and i knocked him unconscious…
his soul went into my camera/HD
danny and i kept him up all night while we slept
little ways to torture the bugger…
and then D and i went on a cruise
and stowed the body of the theif in the cargo bay
the HD up in our cabin, keeping both seperate to torture the man more
then, like in a movie, the body was soliliquied and showed turning into a large lizard
then a woman with blond hair
who went around eating people’s lives
i was terrified
and woke up startled
couldn’t sleep again.
this morning was annoying
i have got to the point where i am frustrated with brazil
not only am i having a language problem here
but i just feel like everything is stupid
half-assed
un-refined
like america
but un-better
and who needs that?
the cities, dommi, the citties
my mind is a judgemental monster
i want my head cut off and the head of something noble-r put on…
eventually i got to the airport to meet my mother
and we are together now
i am shocked to know i will be with her for two weeks
and in this setting
such intense
>> i will HEAL, i will be CLEAN, oH GOD HELP ME!<<
yeah, we all know i need it
we need it
i want to be whole
"the prayer is always for wholeness"
she and i have the same sexual problems..
mine takes about two weeks to develope
she's had hers for years with my dad
we begin to loathe our lovers
don't want them to touch us
can't bear to have sex with them
love turns to hate…
and i just discovered that i did give another friend ghonnorea
i say "friend"
but i don't know if i mean it
i say
i don't love anyone right now
don't feel a thing
not even faking it well right now
and this is unacceptable
i want to love
i want to really care
and to know this apathy
this dis-passion
is hurting people that i (cooly) Respect
is
unacceptable
perhaps i will have to be abstinate for a while
it's about fucking time
i am sorry for all those i have used and abused
gotta whip this boy into shape
or let him die
and be re-born
(in the year 3003, i'll be back to save the world)

this map really makes it look like i’ve been more places then i actually have
and still so many places to go!

create your own visited country map
or write about it on the open travel guide

i~ve talked a bit about the food here, haven’t i?
but not my obsessions with it
have i?
i really loved the first “Coxinha” i had
(little thigh. potato filled with chicken)
but the rest have’t been as great
and i got really tired of fried food after a few days
by the time i got to ilhabela i was totally freaked out and desperate for whole food
of course
(laughs)
i was eating lots of banana
papaya
mango
started craving green things
i learned a long time ago that my body is my key to my happiness
if i am not eating good food i am very unhappy
otherwise
i need to regularily be having good sex
or doing lots of yoga
or just walking a lot
so, my last day on the island
i discovered brazilian avocados…
SO beautiful
big, soft, rich
so good..
i ate it on the buss home
in all my stress and confusion
i decided to stop eating meat
i find this often helps…
but it’s very difficult here..
i preferred no cheese..
so
last night i got in to my crash..
but eventually called Danilo
feeling like a beggar
but he was just being an angel
what is it with me and my Daniel angels?
i had a Daniel from my early teen-age days
he taught me to be an anglophile and dandy
and found Danny J (kemp) when i first stayed up at Leo’s
as a fun friend, supportive, playful
full of heart and stories and … kiddishness
then there was the other danny j i went to hawaii with
a saviour of ways of music
(dannies and music)
then my dani in NYC, who entroduced me to live journal… “Devanand_tree”
he appeared as my friend i could hang out with and be gay but not have to have sex with all the time
friend and girl friend
chatting about all the guys we were smitten with
and sharing music
and other sultry bits
— definately an angel
does any one have any good stories about “daniel” to tell me?
i wonder about so many things…
like that conversation i had with Eli on my way out of NYC that one day
stuck in traffic
it gave me plenty of oppurtunity to think of things from our conversation and call him back
staggered conversing..
he said
” i often notice you say you want things but you’re always doing the opposite of getting them”
i didn’t call him back
but it occured to me that
OF Course
“Want” means “lack of”, i believe
so i would only express “want” about something missing in my life
yes, i would be doing things that made that absent
and i would notice the want
and then change direction
to include it
the funny thing about rational choices
is they are limited in scope
blinders on..
allows one to fix one problem
while often creating others..
when i was crazy and drugged out and living on sunlight in the bunker in Ariziona
when i was 19
i remember deciding to not ever know anything ever again
to just open myself to all the knowledge of all the spirits in the world
so when i needed something
it would be there
regaurdless of my training of it
this never really worked
but i still somewhat work on this principle
ah
and back then
i remember when i stopped doing drugs for a while
started doing yoga every day for the first time
and eating whole foods
which gets me back to food.
Danilo picked me up from the front of the Vermont-Bear
(the bear-bar here in São Paulo)
i had been staggeringly talking to a man named Joaquim
oh, so beautiful
a little garden gnome indeed
little glasses, stocky little dense frame
long thick dark beard
kinda reminded me of yacov
if yacov were ever calm and collected
but with the same brilliant excitement about everything
and if yacov ever wore his beard down out in public
anyway
the conversation didn’t go too far
as i don’t speak portugese yet
and he doesn’t speak english
but it was fun
we both enjoyed it
Danilo picked me up
(trying to stay on track)
and took me to another part of town to an all-night bakery
and got me a avacado-yoghurt shake
(great, really)
and a sandwich with ARUGALA!
oh, i was so thankful for all the greens
and the danny-angel
i still didn’t sleep well, though.
today i went to a green mountain top north of the city with a Claudio
and realized that my throat was getting sore
NOT because of my self-imposed guilt trips about my trampy desires
but because of the fucking terrible air quality here in SP
it’s not as bad as Gary Indiana, though
but similar
i am
(hmmm)
sensitive
and just breathing this stuff makes my throat hurt
OOooohhh..
it was amazing to see São Paulo spread out in the valleys and plains below the mountain
it just went on forever into the smoggy distance
serious
more than Los Angeles
just forever and ever…
i ate another fried thing on that mountain, though
and it reminded me
so the Claudio talked with me about his favourite food: beringela (eggplant)
he’s very italian
so we went to his house ( got some fresh olive oil, which i’ve also been craving )
visited with his italian mother
and spent a few hours cooking
that’s another way to make me very happy
to spend a long time cooking something beautiful
and then spend a long time eating it
when eli visited my parent’s house in indiana
he came away from the one meal he spent with us
with this: ” you are all sensualists.. ”
he’d never heard people talk about all the qualities of the food the entire meal…
it’s LIFE!
FOOD!
and this Claudio also made mayonaise the way his spanish aunt taught him:
just a yoke, mashed garlic and salt and oil, stir stir stir stir
and hmmmm, so so so so so so good.
i don’t eat mayonaise much
but to make it fresh
LOVELY
and the eggplant was lovely too
then i took a nap on his bed
which was so lovely and firm.. and filled with magnets..
how can i describe his house?
he lives in the town outside of SP where the airport is near…
he lives outside of the town, on the hills…
i’ve never been anywhere so “third world”
all the cars all smashed up
all the houses dilapadated (at least they looked that way)
trash everywhere
and the beautiful crystal view of the lush green mountain across the way (hiding the airport)
the little girl walking among the broken stairs
living a bamboo pole that supported the clothes-line
moving it down into a casam to bring the clothes closer for her little arms to reach
and take down and fold.
after my nap from eating too much
it was dark
and i walked out on the poarch and tried to see the stars…
a few
but still too much light pollution
and down in the valley there were crys and crashes and the sound of a party
“that’s just regular” claudio sayd
a fire in the valley
like a hippy party
but if i walked up
could i have sang along?
i was flabber-gasted
and tired
i get really cranky when i’m tired
and this claudio kept selling himself to me
like i’d just stay with him and marry him and stuff
telling me how great he was
ugh
though we could hardly communicate
telling me his insecurites
“when i was a child, my mother took me to many many many doctors because she was afraid my penis was too small”
‘mmm, yes, mothers are crazy’
and a car almost side-swiped us on the way to his house
“that was an aboriginal driver”
“have you ever made love with negro?”
assumed predjudices piss me off
like my syster yelling at some car and saying “fucking chinese drivers” or my father, when i was growing up, always “women drivers”
like it’s ok to assume an entire cast of people are just stupid
(and, of course, we’re not)
grrr, so by the end of the evening i was just really annoyed with the whole thing
and had to forably tell him to leave NOW and take me to the metro
he just kept stalling
drama
mama at the hospital
UGH
still, i found my way home
back to danny’s
where the party was still going on
i danced
and a little girl was so excited to get to practice her english with me
and danny walked up to me and said
“you look tired, go upstairs and take a shower and go to sleep”
but , of course, i have to write for an hour first.
it’s not so important that it gets read, of course
i’ve written like this my whole life
but i like writing thinking that other people Can read this
which is kinda terrifying
>>would i want someone saying that about me?”
but i am a very judgemental person, honestly
so it’s good to express that
it’s good to show people that we all have monsters inside of us
even if mine is a bit larger than some
it’s also good to express this like this
coz i too-often get people calling me
“perfect”
or
an
“angel”
which isn’t bad
but that it’s not True
(laughs)
or maybe it is.

i want to live
i want to be a real person
i want to be happy, successful
full of love and very loving
i want to give
i want to be honest and true…
i work against these sometimes.
i left the island with the Argentine boys today
Fernando and Ernand…
São Sebasitão is a nice little town in the day light…
at the bus station
i took a randomn leap
and went to visit Camburi beach
foregoing the farm
beause i would get there much to late…
and didn’t go to that beach
went to another
where i knew i could catch a bus back to São Paulo..
but then i thought i missed the bus
by seconds even!
i sat and was angry at myself
and wondering what was wrong
but then the buss pulled up
on the buss i began to get very horny
my lust
oh
and the men
(fingers and licking)
masturbating a bit, in the dark
oh, but before the sun set
the mountains
the light
the waterfalls
i have never seen another place like this on earth
the hills rise and fall so sharply
water all around
clouds hanging out in the crevices
and such amazing vistas…
i was sewing
the sun went down
i fantasized about fucking
the bus pulled into SP about 21:00
and i got down town about 22
i called Adriano, who said i was welcome to stay with him when i returned
but on the phone
he told me he’d got back together with his boy friend
so i couldn’t stay there
…
so i called a number of a guy who said i was welcome to stay at his place
but he said his house was filled with guests now
so i walked to the internet cafe
and in my e-mail was a response from the boy Joao on ilhabela who i had been trying to call frantically
every day
— never got through
he emailed me the exact moment i got on the buss to leave sao sebastiao…
telling me i had a free place to stay with him
with beautiful trails and waterfalls and beaches
and now i’m back in sao paulo at midnight with no place to stay
i’m beating myself about this
i think it has to do with sex.
i was on the bus
thinking about food
about never taking vitamin pills
because Food is meant to nourish you
if you eat shit food
it kills you
but if you at whole food that you love and prepare yourself
it heals you, nourishes you
what is sex meant for?
especially if you’re a faggot?
sex is meant to change the world…
to pro-create
or re-create
if you have shit sex
it kills you.
i think the world is trying really hard not to kill me
and i think i’m on a losing streak
i can’t get no
satisfaction.
i don’t know why this is happening
did i break my heart one too many times?
when did i stop loving myself?
on the buss
i remembered my night with my friend Robbie in the east bay
we had smoked pot
and when we went to bed
we didn’t have sex
he just wrapd him self around me
and i went into him
our bodies merged
i felt all the places i was scared
dirty
broken
and learned about forgiving
and love
with the feeling of forving
everything was released
and love flowed in and healed every thing
on the bus
i remembered it agani
i forgave myself
and loved myself
but forgot it immediately
what deamons are tormenting me?
where is this hate and fear from?
why can’t i just love
be loved
what’s wrong?
if anyone can see the obvious
and not be cruel about it
i know god is trying to help
he just keep slapping my hand everytime i do dumb things
he can hardly do more
he’s not going to reward me when i keep abusing and taking advantage
but how do i stop this?
hmmm
well, tell ya what, folks
i’m going to go into the forest with my mother and a healer for two weeks
i didn’t know i needed this so much
but i’m trying to look and listen again
and i’m sure i’ll figure it out
i’m humbling myself
getting on my knees
say yr prayers
there is no other way: we’ll all make it through somehow…

so, ok, if you’re in the mood, click here real quick and read this:
http://www.thesonglyricsworld.com/pulp/ilovelife.html
so, ok
i slept pretty well in my hammock that night
but for the strange bugs biting me
and a chill i got near dawn
i pulled my pink dress over me …
i woke and rummaged in myself while the sun rose
figured out what i was about
re-defining myself for the new day
there was this sound…
what is that?
i turned over and looked to my right: all swamp
oh shit…
last night i kept saying to myself:
Now is low-tide.. no matter how tempted you feel, DON”T SLEEP BY THE WATER
i turned left where my bag was
and it was dry
ok
but kinda muddy
not bad
odd
under me
there were tons of little holes in the ground…
have you ever seen “the Street of Crocodiles” by the Brother Quay?
there are these dolls
(with nothing in their heads, empty eye-sockets)
they dance at one point
(stuffing falling out from the joints)
spinning around to the violins
then stopping
facing the camera
light shining through their eyes
left arms raised
then spinning round in circles…
under my hammock
out of the little holes came little crabs
as if in some elaborate morning dance
they raised their huge left claw
(all of them only had one large claw, the other too small to notice at all)
and rotated them around in circles
slowly
dreamily
i watched them for a long time
made little movies with my camera..
eventually convinced myself to get out of bed, welcomed by the crabs
stood in the sun
saw my coconut
shook off the ants
and peeled out the meat
mmm
streatched
breathed
packed up, shoulderd my bag
fought through my indecision
and got on the ferry over to IlhaBela (the island)
mmmm
jump a buss
ride ride ride
“is there a nude beach?”
‘oh yeah, it’s called ma;khjlhalhreoh’
“mmm, yeah? could you write that down?”
i got off there, at Praia Pinto
and walked to the water
not a nude beach
but still
i took off my clothes
and jumped in
oh
it is so beautiful to be in the ocean
i love it
think
swimming in turquoise blood
that loves you
wants only nourish you
bought some pants
washed my white clothes
lay in the sun
oh
danced in the water
walked around
washed in the water
bathed in the sun
lay on the towel
and
from exhaustion
fell asleep
Ohhh
a little crispy now
red skin
albino crab dancing around my bag
ha!
enough
a little coconut oil
clothes on
back to the buss
out of money now
go change some in town, hmmm
girl gives me a great deal
she’s also wearing a franciscan Tao…
good omens…
back to the ferry
but maybe a bit of food?
in the store
i try to find something with out meat
and something that’s not fried
Ohmmm
and some kid taps me on the shoulder and rattles off some portugese
“Hmmm, desculpe, no falo portugese” i sing a little song
but we figure it out:
he wants to rent me a room for 20 reais on the island
well, ok
i don’t need to head out today anyway, now do i?
i thought i’d have to go to camburi and stay at youth hostel
(sssssss)
so we walk back to his house
beautiful
of course
and filled with beautiful kids
french guys
and girls and boys from argentina
and so beautiful
great
ok
(laughs)
walk around a bit
write a bit online (last night)
go home , eat food the artentians made for me
simple
pasta and creme,tired of all the fired food as well
then vodka/condensed milk and passion fruit!
ayyyeee!
the night turns into the dominic show, as it often does
when i start talking about my life
one answer beggs another question
and all 6 people are staring at me
asking me about my dad
and when i left home
and is he over 30? or 25?
and i tell some tales
i’m very tired
“oh, but someday you’ll stop travelling,
i’m sure,some day you’ll get married and have children
just look at you, you’ll have to”
‘i’m gay’
Oh.
(does this really change everything so much?
apparently, though not in a bad way, just a place of disconnect on a fundamental level…)
they go out to dinner, out to dancing, out to drinking
i go to sleep.
this morning i dreampt alot
something about me being an actor again
something about my mother
something about love
i got out of bed at noon
ate a bit of bread and cheese and jam and garlic
it’s the new moon today
the owner-girl Paula was crying
: her boy friend left her 10 days ago… she is nothing with out him
she cannot go on
me and Fred (Frederick Dominique, the friend guy from the south of france)
try and comiserate
try to beat her into understanding that this always happens
and we always live through it
and sometimes it takes years to get over it
but it’s life
it’s alright
then i understand it’s the new moon
she feels empty, that’s right
her heart friend. root chakra firend. life mate of 8 years
Gone
sorry
ok
time to move on
she tells me of river in the mountains to swim in
but in her pain, forgets to draw a map
i don’t pressure her
i sew her curtains
i sit down and read 50 pages of “one hundred years of solitude”
Fernando (argentina) gives thumbs up
it’s raining
we are all laying around
siesta…
i jump up and say
“i’m going swimming”
i had meant to leave today
but how could i?
Mauricio ( the boy who brought me here, 19 )
now offers to take me to the river
the two argentinian boys come with
we walk up and up
out of town
into the mountain
jumping over rocks
up the mountain river
following the water pipes that people have set up to get fresh water..
we go to their source
and jump into the cool clean water
let the waterfalls pour over us
they don’t mind: i’m naked
but they all have suits on
we get all languid and happy
the water cools my burnt skin
takes the heat off for a bit
brings a chill on
i drink my fill
floating in the flow
laugh
go under
come up
we head down
little explorations
i climb a tree out over the valley and try and pick purple passionfruits off the vine…
precarious… i get two good ones…
down down
back to the house
still pain in paula
there’s a the french
there’s some pasta
we make toast and eat pasta
i go to wash the dishes
we run out to buy food for dinner
vegetables for a stir-fry
and cachasa for making cockails later
(it’s a white rum, apparently very strong and strange)
i came here after
wanted to let you know i’m OK
had to change course
around the nurturing of the thin world-kids
not my customary big bellied momma bears
“ganesha is chubby to show his eternal connexion with his mother”
ma-ma!
ma ma
i’m going back to SP tomorrow (4 hours)
catching a buss directly to Yuri’s… (5 hours)
then bussing from there to Abadiania (5+hours) on monday morning
to see my mother
i’ll be vegitarian til then
and sex-less
a bit of rest.
“now get this right
i love my life
it’s the only reason i’m alive
it’s Mine, all Mine…
just as long as i don’t forget to breathe
breathe in, breathe in
breath out”

so, when i finished typing yesterday~s post
i realized that i would miss my buss if i dallied any longer
(well, there was some time between…
internet search for whatever it is the herb “Malva” does
i kept seeing it at the markets… and it kept ringing a bell
intuition
so i found out what it~s for:
URINARY TRACT INFECTIONS
HA!
listen to your intuition
here~s a little poem:
see, we~re the type of men who don~t care for
Clean
we don~t believe in erradicating diseases
but instead
come into homeostasis with them
i mean, come on
let~s be honest
this world
this society
it~s all about pollution and disease
and you don~t see everyone moving out of the city and working on farms
and stopping driving cars and eating shit wraped in plastic
DO YOU?
then why should we eradicate disease?
no, we believe in keeping healthy cultures of it alive
we~ve got every virus and bacteria known to man living inside us
we make treaties
keep things balanced
and no one gets hurt…
———–
and there~s this one:
yes, vapyrs make vampyrs
drain enough of your life force
and it will put you into despiration
make you do stupid things just to stay alive
how do you break this cycle?
like so many others
death and rebirth always works…
but the trick of staying alive through it all..
can we find balance again?
ok, back to the story..
i run out of the house
and take a new route
and OH MY GOD
had the best Salgado (little fried things) that i~ve had since i got here
it was meet and cheese and eggs in potato and fried
YUM
but i was lost in new streets looking for the train…
(i~m never really lost, folks, i just play it on TV)
i turn the corner and find a market
run through it looking for the herbs
and there they were
Malva and Para Todos..
that is, for everything
that is
two brazilian herbs to help me get back in balance…
i buy them
turn the corner
and am at the station
buy some bananas and catch the train
get to the buss station
and JUST missed my bus
but there was another in 15 minutes to the neighbouring town
so i bought the ticket
and ran to the store to get a map
and find out where the hell i was going
just in time
got on the bus
and nearly passed out
i~m SO tired!
but the scenery was so beautiful..
comming down out of the mountains
turning that corner
and seeing the clouds break
the sun shine on the town below
and the ocean sparkling out before me..
changed buses in Caraguatutaba
i saw a man carrying what i thought were rugs
i asked him if i could see…
they were Hammocks.
hand made, with fringes.. OHHH
i needed one
PERFECT
he asked for
cinquenta
which i misunderstood as
60
so i paid him that
he was so happy
he really asked for 50
but i don~t care, so happy to have this hammock..
got to São Sebastian
where chad had given me two numbers
and i had the numbers for two youth hostels
i was sure i~d be fine..
but the hostel in town was full
and the other was an hour away
and the girl wasn~t home
and the boy wasn~t home.
and i had missed the last buss south
a taxi would cost over 50reais…
hmmmm…
walk around town…
beautiful, intersting
dry-ish canal
loud noises
what is that?
oh, a magic show in a gazzeebo.. children
nice buildings
narrow streets
and then opening on to the plaza by the ocean, ahhhh
beautiful
a fair!
it~s a tuesday night
but there are tons of people walking around
live music
all sorts of food and drinks..
i get an excellent sausage
and walk away from all the commotion to find a quiet place to sleep
at the end of the beach was a bridge that led to an oil rig
and a bunch of moored boats in the ebb tide…
i put my bag down and looked for a good place to set up the hammock..
under the bridge?
or up in the tree?
i climbed the tree and tried many ways
found one that almost worked
and just as i was ready to try it out
a group of kids arrived
(i~d seen a used condomn under the bridge, so i suspected)
two boys and two girls, hmm
and then another group
teen-age stoner kids in familiar g-boy costumes
hmmm
then another group
oh fuck
suddenly the party of outcasts had gathered under me
no one looks up
but my bag is out and one kid notices it
he talks with the others about it
they seem un-certain as to what to do
i am quiet
laying in my hammock in the tree
watching
once decides to reach out and touch it
i whistle
and they all look around
he tries again
i whistle
and say
in a funny voice
“it~s my bag, you better not touch it”
i realize this is not a restful place
so break down the hammock
climb down the tree
and shoulder my bag
walk on…
i call the hostel again
see if there is another closer
i get a bunch more numbers
but they are all further
they tell me they are sure there is another buss
so i walk back up to the buss station
yeah, NOW i just missed the last buss
i~ve been in town about three hours
it~s just past 23hrs now…
i look at the schedule on the wall
( i was asking people before instead of looking at printed matter: a problem when you don~t speak the language )
realize there were many busses between then and now
but i missed them
Hrmph
not-disspirited
still filled with excitement
i decide to try to hitchhike
of course, no good
1/2 hour later
i~m asking everyone around if there are anymore busses
people seem to think there are
i~m waiting at the station again
busses come and go
but not going my way
OK
the taxi driver tells me to wait
and if other people are going to the same place
we can ride together and cut the cost
which is good, because i couldn~t pay it otherwise… after buying the hammock
so i~m waiting
it~s past 1 in the morning now
i~m totally exhausted
and writing in my journal
and all of a sudden there are huge explosions
fireworks are going off everywhere
what the hell?
to make matters worse
loud music
in the style of bad 80~s hair bands doing love ballads
starts blaring out of secret speakers and echoing all over town
why am i in hell?
what did i do?
i~m sorry?
in despiration i head back to the bridge
down there is more lively than ever
the band is rocking out
i keep going
buy a coconut
ohh… the best coconut i~ve had since i got here
they tap them so you can drink them
and then, if you ask them, they cut them open so you can eat them
it was GREAT
i saved most of the meat for the morning
and then they freshly-juiced a raw sugar cane for me
ohhhh
lovely
and all very cheap…
i wander away from all the lights
shocked
it~s a tuesday night…
what is going on?
i find some trees by a canal
but it~s filled with trash and… shit..
hmmm
wander for another hour almost
through mud and …
find some trees by the sea, now
and set up the hammock in them
just high enough to sleep in
and i do
for a few hours at least…
i want to type the rest
where it gets nicer
but they are rushing me of the computer
so i~ll have to tell you later..

woke up this morning with the firey orange light burning off all the buildings in downtown Sao Paulo
the drapes were flapping in the wind
on the 14th floor
sun shining through them
they looked so soft to touch, so beautiful
but i knew they were probably some sythetic
so i didn’t bother touching them
the wind blew through the apartment
orange and yellow towels waving on the line
city stretched out below
light bleeding through the curtain
like milk soaking through…
but it wasn’t milk
and i couldn’t help it anymore
i reached out to stroke the fabric
and it felt like silk…
yesterday i slept a lot
or, actually, not really
i just went to sleep around 7 am and woke up at 1
Smurf had just got home and i just started making tea
then we did some yoga together
some rajasic stuff
both of us sweating
i’m a bit freaked-out about what’s going on with my body
– spine hurting, little burnings, left arm feeling.. bruised?
and ears itching.. really tired of the ear itching thing
smurf and i meditated and yoga’d and talked
went up stairs and started sharing music
and a joint
and i was very glad i’d brought my HD/mp3player/camera with me
i love sharing things..
(eeesh)
but as the marijuana and osha and yerba sante began to sway my system
everything started shutting down
large signals: you are very tired and must rest
and HUNGRY
… well, that goes with the territory
but i went down stairs and made lots of food
made me feel better
brought my lust up again
so i went for a walk
found a park
and strolled through it
mmmmm, i LOVE the trees here
Sao Paulo is one of the world’s largest cities
and from here
i can see that
this park is on top of a hill and looks out over … the southern part of the center of the city, maybe?
anyway
houses and huge buildings going on in waves up and down the hills and off as far as i can see
but different than LA… different than anything i’ve seen before..
Sao Paulo doesn’t feel like it’s disconnected from nature, though
i mean… there are trees everywhere…
though, from where i am now, in tomorrow, sitting on a couch on the 14th floor, i see no trees, Just the tall buildings
and the howling wind.
i called Adriano from the park
he said “oh, i waited for you all night, where were you? are you alright? what happened to you?”
well, he said he’d be home before five
so i waited outside his apartment from about 5:30 til nearly 8
apparently i just missed him
he got home around 8
but my oh my i wish i could clear this flakyness out of my life so i don’t attract situations like this
(for those of you who don’t know me already, i’ve got a genetic disorder that makes me late for everything, i’m trying to
weed it out, it’s very frustrating; my older friends give me faith, those who have been afflicted with it in the past have
solved it… it comes in time, grrrr)
can’t get too angry…
so i came back to meet adriano
so i could talk with him about … Treatment
as well as i really wanted to sleep with him: he’s so cuddly.
and there was a party at the Vermont-Bear for the manager, Sidney
so i arrived at the party
put my bag on the ground
and danced around it for a few hours talking..
now hey..
there was this guy that adriano introduced me to a few nights before
the Crown (Lion, i’m sure)
who’d i’d seen on line already
it took very little time for him to materialize
walks up
and starts tugging and stroking
sometimes i melt a little..
but we get talking
i’ve only been here for five days..
but i’m beginning to get to the point already where the portugese doesn’t just sound like alien mumblings
but actual words that i could possibly maybe understand
so we’re working out a pretty good conversation
he’s telling me i MUST go to Rio de Janeiro
i’ve just decided that i’m not going now
i’m going to go to the beach, one that’s closer
then come back up to SP for a night
and then head to a farm that chad had suggested
and continue on from there to abadiania to meet my mother
he freaks out when i tell him my mother is comming to brazil and plans to see nothing but abadiana
so we talk about the beautiful places up in that area
get a list
prepare…
we talk about his family, the trips he’s taken them on
talk about his past
says his son is asking him for money for travel sometimes
but he has no money to give
‘ but aren’t you a lawyer? ‘
“yeah, an engineer and a lawyer, yeah”
‘ how can you be a lawyer and not have money? ‘
” well, i don’t work! i’m too happy to work! ”
‘oh, of course ‘
he tells me that he’s lived in many beautiful places
but here is the most beautiful, Sao Paulo
i ask him why he moved here…
he asks me what the opposite of “happy” is
‘sad?’
“sad, yes”
he tells me he’d been sad for so long
even though he travelled and Rio was so beautiful
but he was with his wife and family
and though he loved them
his son only knew him as being sad
but then he met his boy friend
and moved to Sao Paulo to be with him
to marry him
now he is happy all the time!
Wow.
Do you believe in Love after Love?
(i’ve heard that song every day since i’ve been i sao paulo)
i know that “love”, in the “hey, we’re two people in love” kinda way really does exist
i’ve seen it
and i’d say it’s rarer than one might think
but definately real…
comes to mind instantly:
Juan and Arie in Amsterdam
last night with Smurf and Henhata
and here with these two..
the desire to always please eachother
to dote, give love, be loved
those looks of adoration
light like fire between two people
brightening and warming everything around them…
since i’ve been in brazil
i keep making plans
i plan to go there, there, there
no, not enough time, over there then
oh, well, obviously i won’t be going back to america
so i’ll go there then
and then there will be plenty of time
and when my visa runs out in brazil
i will go to uraguay and then argentina
and as the winter comes on here i will head north to peru
yes yes, of course
and what about my house on the hill top?
since i’ve been in brazil
all my future plans swirl around
and sometimes dissolve like a mist to show the house on the hill through them
where Leo is.
i can feel it in my bones
i need a winter
been asking for a good winter for years now
to sleep.
the most healing thing i’ve ever experienced is love
(ta, robert)
and i could go there to that house and rest in love, right?
no, no of course not
why?
when i got there a month ago
(yep)
i instantly fell ill
terrible, like
worse thing i’ve ever felt.
left arm feeling like it’d been battered
spine hurting
(been sore ever since that bear-hug i got from Eric back in August)
the right hip pain
spread everywhere
like in arthritic shock
could hardly move for a week
that’s more than a simple
air-plane-cold
and possibly could be explained as a healing crisis from the two hours of Krea yoga i did at harbin hot springs upon arrival
but come-fucking-on
i came to rest, be in love and enjoyment and healing
and came to the most severe pain i’ve ever felt
for a week?
what the fuck?
and then, of course, my old pattern starts
which i’d never felt with Leo before
how i just start hating my lover
no matter what it is they do, it bugs the shit out of me
“you drink too much, stop giving me chocolate, you’re making me sick, why don’t you live up to your own desires, why can’t
you fuck me, mwa mwa mwa mwa”
am i cursed or something?
i was exchanging massages with a friend in SF
he’d left his lover of three years
and this guy went and got married to a woman again (been married a few times already)
some lady he’d know a few months
then she started abusing him
(pattern, safe, comfortable)
and my friend says
“i love you, you’re broken, good-bye”
it freaks me out
i mean…
i used to think of myself as broken all the time
and, of course, pushed thoughts like that away
… errr, moved on from them (or just away from them)
and it terrfies me to think that some people are just un-healably broken.
(like the bjork song)
where is the love?
i mean… isn’t that what love does?
it comes in and heals the broken?
makes it all better?
i don’t know, i have un-real expectations about life
it’s one of my most endearing traits
but as my saturn-return approaches
i feel like i’m failing my tests at living life totally different than the fray
of course, who the hell do i think i am anyway?
yeah
back on the street with the Crown-Lion
he’s telling me that even though his husband is his Love
he still likes ass a lot
and he loves to kiss
which he does
and he grabs my ass
and he strokes my side
and when he kisses me again
i feel that lovely feeling in the belly where there’s a connection
and maybe i just don’t know what love is?
he says
“but i love ass… but i love my husband, anyone else is just sex, just sex”
and i say
‘ yeah, i guess i could say i want a husband now
i mean, for years
because i’ve had a lot of sex
and sex with out love is really terrible
so i just try to love everyone i have sex with
and because most of them really aren’t loving me back
it’s very tiring ‘
and he knows what i mean
and i know what i mean
but i am still looking for that substitute for love
because i don’t know how to get the real thing
i mean, i got a man across the ocean who LoveLoveLOvES me
but he drives me crazy
and Leo, who loves me
and, really, i’ve had so many people crazy in love with me
but as far as i know
i’ve only really opened up to one lover for a long period of time
and let him love me and care for me
and
really that was only about a month of being open
but it’s my record
and this is just dumb
(laughs)
so
this morning i was woken by the howling wind
and the buildings stage-lit-on-fire
the curtain blowing and ruffling creating a light effect that kept me from sleep
woke me from a dream i was enjoying, i forgot what it was already
but i couldn’t go back to sleep
and sometimes i just want to go back to sleep
and sometimes i wish i could just wake up
hmmm, it’s sunny outside
i want to get to the beach
and
dive
in.
(this song by “james” kept circling through my head this morning:
“operator, the lines are down
and i’m a traitor
a traitor to a beautiful cause
god made me
to her own design
Bad planning
too many flaws
How long will it take to get used to me?
Don’t wait that long
Won’t wait that long
Oh yes I love you
But today I could hit you, I could hurt you
Because we’re joined at the heart
Beats faster, hits harder than a boxer
Whenever we are apart
Body language is an SOS
I don’t understand how our fight starts
Not enough to believe in love
I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know where we’ve gone wrong
How long will it take to get used to me?
How long will it take to get used to me?
Don’t wait that long
Won’t wait that long
No we won’t wait that long ”
)