Date: Wed, 5 Mar 2003 22:43:14 -0800 (PST)
From: “dominick vyne” View Contact Details
Subject: something about Kansas
To: “Tony S.”
Hey Tony
so, you’re a star
you’re busy as hell
way too many emails
that’s ok
and it’s well understood
so get back with me on this when you can.
i drove back from arizona when i was 20
that is, back to Indiana
took apart my child hood room in my parent’s house
( i had the walls completely covered with clippings and pictures and
writings )
and helped re-paint it.
a passing on…
traded my car in for a little pickup
and heading to Michigan
chicago
wisconsin
Iowa
Kansas City, Kansas
and Lawrence
on the way from Iowa to KC
the transmisson blew out
but i rode it into town
and stayed with a friend there
it took a month before i could leave
whereupon i met the guy who inherited the William S Burroughs estate
his long time editor
and was split between that strange reality in Lawrence
and the strange reality of Kansas
tonight, i was reading a poem
she’s on a long trip from toronto
across america
at the part where she gets to kansas
her car breaks down
four days for her
slightly longer for me
now… i don’t really like the two people i still know in Kansas
i’m not really on speaking terms with the guy in KC
and the guy in Lawrence just thinks he’s so great
and it’s so boring talking to people who think they’re so special
that is
if they don’t see how special you are at the same time
this occurred to me
when i thought of you
you’re special
and being told you’re special
not just by me:
my limited eye being attracted to your flesh
and the few words you’ve used to present yourself
and the many you’ve used to explain your truancy
and you know your special
do you know much about breakdowns?
are you from that town?
what took you to being there…?
was it intentional?
are you already in love?
with yourself? with another?
are you looking for something?
do you know what you got?
is this a welcomed wash through the beautiful emptiness that is the
midwest?
what kind of love do you need, love?
get that transmission replaced…
what stories can you tell about cars…
and your heart in the earth
and feeling the heart of your lover?
i know i’m way overstepping my bounds here
but that’s me
a circue performer in the ring of human emotions and the banks of the
rivers we flow in
i thought i’d fish for you
and see if i caught anything
anything worth jumping in the river for
blessings
…dominic
Date: Wed, 5 Mar 2003 22:30:17 -0800 (PST)
From: “dominick vyne” View Contact Details
Subject: DO WHAT YOU CAN
To: “give me a reminder”
i just got up to Leo’s
i love it here
it is so beautiful
and like the houses of our hosts
( our friend/lovers [but not our soulmates]; “America”…)
it is so neglected.
my brother drove me up
late late last night we got here
it was fun
and i was so tired
had to fight to stay awake the last half hour
tilted my head back far and stared up at the stars and the car
zoomed…
walked with my brother and his new girlfriend
i am happy to see him happy
i’m always happy to see two people happy together
i’m very hurt that these two midwesterners cannot be but what they are
and interract in the standard midwestern heterosexual way
Male dimminishing his mate
female glad to love and be loved
on those terms
UGH
i wanted to tell them to part until they both grew
wanted to tell them not to do it like that
but it’s like telling people not to cook their food
how can you say it without sounding extremest… stupid… offensive?
it’s not my place.
that’s how it was in portland too, seeing sheridan
the whole situation there
and their lives based in settling with a reality rooted in fear
“and that’s all…”
but it’s not my place to tell them
it’s just my place to live my life
and i don’t want to live that one
so i was a visitor
and passed on
now i’m up at Leo’s.
Leo is often too busy
and this house is soooo neglected.
when my brother left i swept for a few hours
moved things around.
sighed a lot.
i have a lot of work to do
but also because Europe realy tired me out.
it was a lot of work
and will continue to be so.
love
attempting to love
SO HARD
tired me out.
so so much did i try
that i neglected myself
and now i will love this house
and i will love myself
and i will rest.
open for visitors until the new moon
then closed for the waning
for me to be quiet
for me to be inside
fasting and resting
listening.
Leo get’s back late march, near the new moon.
we will fast together
we will spend a week or two together
sleeping together
not having sex
fasting.
then yacov will come
(who knows about the future?)
Yacov amazes me
he’s so fucking annoying.
all of my negative traits
AMPLIFIED
and WAY out of control
and totally blind
but with such a good heart
well,
we will travel south
then east
Texas?
Oklahoma?
New orleans, i think
i will leave him there
and take a bus?
hitch hike?
walk 10,000 miles?
i will knock on your door
or is it unlocked, can i just walk in?
Have you Seen “Bowling for Columbine”?
would you like to go to Short Mountain for Beltane?
perhaps Yacov and i could pick you up and we could all go together
perhaps just you and i
perhaps not.
Yacov said
“when you get there
DON’T talk about any of your personal issues
just enjoy eachother
if you want to do therapy shit
go to a therapist”
and i thought about laying out the lines
drawing up contracts!
and i remembered how we speak to eachother
not with detailed words
we talk with our bodies
our food
our hands
our eyes
our tongues
our holes
wholly wholly wholly!
we will remember our language together
and expand it.
all of this is hither nor thither
i look forward to being in love with you again, my dear
(wink)
see you soon.
…Vorpal blade went Snicker Snak
he came galumphing back
what else could he do?
— Robert Pittenridge wrote:
———————————
Thank you for calling me…hearing you is what I needed. Everything
started swimming back into place. Since the day I wrote you and said
“No”, its all been static, no good, no good at all.
I was hurt, I was miserable, I was longing for you…I kicked my heart
back down time after time.
I brought your photos with me to Little Rock, and the painting of you,
I was talking to them and not to you…My mistake for months and
months….always to the flat images of you and never to the full
fleshed out shining version. Fantasy. Masterbation when it should be
manifest.
I love you. I always have, since the first hours of being with you. You
are the most beautiful, mostest one.
I had a conversation with Alan last night….He said: ” I dont
understand why you and Dominic are not together, you two have such
passion for each other..” “I know you love him…” “He challenges
you, and you need that.”
And then Angy said tonight: “Your face always brightens, and your
heart swells when you speak of him, you know you love hime deeply…do
something about it.”
They are right. You are right. I was right(once upon a time) I love
you. We complete a circuit.
You share my dreams, you understand. You really do, unlike anyone else
can.
Oh, and by the way, Im sorry for trying the asshole shit with you…..I
realized that it was stupid. But I had convinced myself that you would
be better off to just let you go…better for you, I didnt want you to
waste your time, to miss out on finding something I wasnt sure I could
give. Its hard. I so wanted to hold you when we were together in SF. I
was sad all weekend. No one else comes close. I was a dummo…I have
been for too long.
I’m really tired of being scared of you, it, us.
mumble mumble…I dont know what else to say at the moment…
Thank you for never giving up. Thank you for being a star. Thank you
for loving me.
I love you. Im still here for you…and Im glad that I can still feel
you. I wont push you away again.
Come visit Ruby Hill, please. Lets spend some real time together again.
Take my hand again…I was wrong to withdraw it.
Alan wants me to send his love and invitations as well. “He’s Family,
and family is always welcome.” He said.
How about it Boyo?
Message found in a fortune cookie: “DO WHAT YOU CAN”
Robert Pittenridge
www.avalon.net/~asmorti/robbear.html
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