From: “wind for the sail-boat” Add to Address Book
To: memorabilia23@yahoo .com
Subject: lamb and love
Date: Thu, 31 Jan 2002 18:39:47 -0800
love and lamb
something to feed the horses
long expeditions
spinning on
and our
into the evenings
long expectations
long shots
well
it’s not all in the chance
and i cnanot say it’s skill
i cannot explain it
let me try and tell you about it
i walked
o fuck
i can’t even say down
i walked around.
round
down
into to the cellars
up to the attic
looking
i was looking
my most common experience here is people asking me
“what are you looking for?”
before i gave away my bag
they were always asking “what’s in the bag”
“follower of rashnish?”
something cranberry
clean out this piss
‘ what am i looking for?
good question.
but really, i’m not looking for anything.
i’m just walking
just seeing
just hearing
dancing with
working with
playing… not searching
not looking for it
being there. . . ‘
something like that
but i have to be careful what i wish for
and i know for a long time now i’ve been doing my best to avoid wishes
no
desires
no
dreams
no
Drama
yeah, drama.
but all that land of good intentions isn’t going to get me far
not when i leave the door of oppurtunity open for me to waltz through
into
wherever.
i found myself in a house
i found myself in drama
somepeople
that’s what they make with their lives
i know the score
of the whole piece
know all the moves
well, of course i could learn more
but
not right now
not like that
ugh.
lessons
images
reflections
fucking freaking out
talking like a maniac
like me
a thousand times doubled.
but that’s not the point
i’m just telling you that i am walking back into the world
not to get lost in it
no
thanks
but
no
but to experience it
i will not be what others are
i will be what i am
whatever that is
and what i grow into
have to be with other people
and know that they fall in love
know that older men want “boys”
know they want children
no
not babies
no
sons
kinda
fertile fields
places to plant their seeds
grow a-new
especially in an earth they know is beautiful and virile and creative
already
merging
companionship
yeah….
i got caught by the moon
on maandag
moonday
bathed in the light
“undo”
bathed in the sound
missing the meaning?
in a park
after leaving the arms of Hans
[“father”]
wanting to be in the arms of one
sleeping
warm
flesh
flesh
warm
loving
sharing
wanting
yes
this is drama
well
living
honesty
where did this come from?
not the honesty bit
but this emotions
this long-lost morrissey dream
“and as i climb into an empty bed, oh well: enough said”
gene sings
“don’t turn the light out and leave me: this bed feels cold and empty”
and in the past i…
fear ful of sheets that took my heat
how many times did i say that?
how many boys have i turned away?
but it was this moon
it was the end of the day
and it got me
so i know
i know the yearnings of the heart
the mind
the spirit
the ego
“take me home”
“Give me a home”
“be my home”
ugh
hungry.
i walked the streets
last night
tonight
and the night before, even
stopping many times
pizza does not satisfy
falafal is good, but…
showarma is what i need
and need
feed and feed
eat many of them in an evening
dripping with curries and onions and grease
tonight
it was good
i was all night looking for he
he
who i found last night
took my eyes off the moustache
yeah, i love these guys
but they seem to all wear cologne
and spend most of their time in dark corners
it’s as if all my standards don’t hold up here
tonight i was looking for him
and didn’t find
and didn’t find
but found Jan
and went off to go home with him
just to clear the stage, i guess
coz riding the bike together just wasn’t working
so i made my way to walk home
but decided i needed a showarma first
coz the pizza just isn’t satisfying here
and gravity pulled me back to the bar
the date was made for
and i walked in
and saw him
and we both just stopped and smiled
approached
well
besides jack daniels and jaggermister
the rest is just a story.
it is time for me to sleep tonight.
i have had enough lamb
enough sacrifice
the story?
the story about masks…
perhaps i’ll tell you about it sometime
just ask
i will flesh out these tales as the days progress
good night, babes.
love
…dominick–>
…vyne~~>
From: “wind for the sail-boat” Add to Address Book
To: auxarq@.com
Subject: Re: Thanks…
Date: Fri, 25 Jan 2002 09:40:13 -0800
the night unfolded nice
found a library to quite myself away in and read my book
play with my beard…
went to the internet cafe
and ate a bon bon
while typing type typing
so the Web was alcohol and kids
chatting
and being un-gracefully hit on by a big ole brute from SF
of course
is this what i ask for?
or just one of the things i’m open to?
it was fun
they all went home
SF with a trick
martijn with himself
catching the last tram
so i walked up stairs and looked through the meat
stood in a corner
my favourite album
well
one of the millions:
Dead can Dance: “into the labrynth”
could have been nothing more fitting
but i just stood and watched
a small conversation
a man gave me a sache of tobacco
smoke smoke
bon bon full on
alcohol
duuval
ugh
when i walked down stairs
saw a beautiful boy with a full red beard
very kind
but when he kissed me
i felt my virtue taken from me
how much they would like to stuck me in their web
suck me in their web
but last night was not the night
i am not so sexually silly as i once was
and walked home
light rain and cold night air
the occasional stop
at a place to get shwarmas
plates of veggies and lamb bits
GRRRIN
and that was very nice and all
and the second one i ate there
and walked out with out paying
forgetting
the man yelled “FRIEND!?”
and i turned back around and dug out some cash
‘ oh sorry sorry sorry ‘
onward i walked
home
crash in my dell
very nice
yeah
no coffee today
no coffee tomorrow
by sunday
i should be somewhat chill
[grin]
i will see you then
when?
right
i’ll call you at about 10:30
thank you, dear boy
i enjoyed running around with you greatly
felt like two kidds
and i went back to waterstones and got that CD the boy Marco made for
me
what little joys
and joys
and joys
[laughs]
see ya
and the forest
soon
…dominick–>
…vyne~~>
From: “wind for the sail-boat” Add to Address Book
To: dreamwill@.com
Subject: dreams and other stories
Date: Mon, 21 Jan 2002 09:17:26 -0800
will…
a few nights ago i was staying in Egmond on Zee
woke
from a dream i had
laying next to my Leo
dream-scatter
my mother
face down in the grasses
next to the van
you walk behind it
i cannot see
but come around and see you there
kissing the back of her neck
look up at me
shy and somewhat shocked…
you come up with a smile
my father approaches
full-on military gear
he’s got a few knives tied to certain spots
gun in a holster
and large automatic rifle in his hand
“i’m not hunting, i’m scouting out the land”
i feel he’s lying to me and approach him like a lover
searching for a kiss
but grab a knife and pull it from its sheath
hold it against his throat
‘too much precaution can get you killed, daddy’
and i realized then
my pronounced antipathy for my father
as he is representing the man
who was your lover
and lives on your land
there he was, as if he’d never lived there
with a possee and munitions
looking for how he can exploit the land
hunting and farming
i don’t know what
you were part of my family
abused by the father.
groggy early-morning by the zee
leo got up
we had a coffee down stairs
and he headed off to church
and i walked along the sandy beach for a few hours
sand blowing into all of my crevices
snot flowing from my nose
forced out by the wind and the cold
kicking up the sea foam in my large black boots
blowing into nothing in the wind
past the galloping horses
and the sand that had dried
lifted from the surf
blowing across the beach
like spirits
i followed it up to the dunes
over the hill
all the little farms
the town in the distance
i walked my way back
through the very-old town streets
past the museum of warm impliments
churches telling me the time
tourist shops seelling travel goods
from far off lands
i’d been too
people looking at me like a curio
but when i got back down to the beach
a group had gathered there
filled with families and dogs
a woman walked out of the café
and spoke in dutch for a while about something
and everybody
smiling
walked down into the sand
unleashing their dogs on the ocean
yapping and nipping and running around
[i always like seeing dogs free and playful among their community]
i watched them
and a man walk past me
my eyes followed him
a face like yours
but long and full grey beard
gold hoops in his ears
but eyes searching like…
i walked over and stood next to him
in his leather jacket
and gaze far-off
he turned quickly and headed into the town
i never know when it’s alright to approach a man
even less sure in a country i am foreign in
but the guest you suggested i meet up with
fate has decided to align me with
Martijn
is also the friend of some Bryan i met in San Francisco
in my few days before leaving
looking for a belgian man
friend of Leo
Valentijn
waiting waiting
bryin, bar-tender of the eagle
chat chat
and “you should meet this friend of mine in amsterdam
tall and
i send everybody of interest to him
you’ll love him”
so when i emailed him i mentioned you and dennis
and he said
“you already know my west-coast family”
so
i will deposit leo at the airport tomorrow and call martijn and see
when i
can actually meet him
there you were in my dreams
and thought i saw you
a man who reminded me of you
down by the sea
checking in on you
forest and water
how are you doing?
…dominick–>
…vyne~~>
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