i slept better last night
i don’t remember my dream very well
but i remember seeing Oleg and Dima
they were much younger
14 or so
and one (or both?) were dressed as girls
something biblical…
lots of giggling…
——
i walked out into the house
wary of any disaster
but i didn’t see anything…
everything seemed fine
no peace though
Stelios was close behind me.
i tell him i am going to the springs
he harps on me about what time i need to be back so he can take me to the train
i know i know!
i tell him i want to ride his bike
… we go out to get it
but the tires are flat
it doesn’t take long: he’s got an air compressor
though he’s worried about the brake line snapping
the gear shift breaking
the tires blowing out
ugh
i’ll be back
i’m off!
i ride down the muddy road
being careful of the frogs
Hello…
stopping to take pictures of the poppies
which are now mostly wilted
interesting
some new ones opened today
poppies are a one day flower, eh?
these are, i guess…
i ride past the barking dogs
past to the Archeological Site..
it’s fenced off of course
so i jump the fence
and go in and walk around
it is, really, just a bunch of rocks…
(grin)
the foundations for ancient houses
some large round room
lots of small ones
almost like crypts
i just sit and feel it
lots of spiders here
lots of poppies
beautiful
i jump back over
and ride up to the path
push it up over the train tracks
ride along the road
stopping a few times to force the railer to switch me into second gear
ride along
along
along the cliffs
to the spring
yeah
today is NOT a national holiday
and there is only one van here
a dog asleep in it’s shadow
only one old german lady
i take pictures of the green
the cave
the mountain
i get in the water
and talk with her a while
she’s so sweet
how old?
60 something… 70 something
?
she talk about the poor dogs
that dog isn’t hers
it’s a stray
forgotten
how’d it get here?
who’s going to take care of it?
“i could load 30 dogs into my car… but there would still be more ”
so many dogs need taking care of
…
so many people
what can we do?
float on our back
white belly up in the sun
she leaves
and i’m alone
i crawl into the back of the cave
over the sharp rocks
into a little dark place
where the water is cleanest
most bubbly
most mysterious
it’s clear to me
the way Stelios lives
he has no mystery
doesn’t permit any
and Mystery is attractive to me
— he also has no Joy of Life
only acceptable patterns and
mistakes.
i let myself sink
let myself be cleaned
listen to the cave
the earth
feel
heal
after nearly two months
my digestion is healing
is it the sheep’s yogurt?
is it the sleeping early?
is it, possibly, soaking in the springs?
i take off my pants
and just lay naked a while in the dark
sounds
cars coming and going
more germans
i put my pants back on
and look at my clock on my bag:
it’s time to go
nearly time to be back
i get myself together
put on clean clothes today
my chef’s pants
real cotton
no more of these polyester
i’ll give these away to the Rainbows in Istanbul…
grrrrr
i push the bike into 3rd gear
and intend to high-tail it back to the house
but i’m not in shape for that
my legs are so fucking sore
is it from the weight i’m carrying?
is it from the swimming?
i’ve been doing lots of breast stroke and butterfly (“and the old Australian crawl, yeah, the old australian crawl”)
so i ride it slow
take it easy
through the bright sun along the cliffs
the main road
turn off
riding the bike ( a good mountain bike with shocks ) down the hill to the train tracks
walk it over the ties
down to the dirt road
the barking dog is silent
and instead of waiting by the house
he’s waiting in the yard
he’s watching me
as i ride up to where he is
he ducks below the fence and squares off to face me in the road
Oh Shit.
i grab the breaks to stop myself
the old breaks squeal
and the dog bolts
running as fast as he can back under the fence
stupid fucking mut
they’re always scaredy cats
he proceeds then
to chase me along the fence, like usual
barking and snarling and jumping
yeah, what the fuck ever
i ride home lazily
the sun
everything has changed since i was here last
the frogs are singing
i walk over the puddles
and push the bike the rest of the way to the house..
Stelios comes out and asks me if the bike broke down
i convince him it’s fine…
he tells me he called the bus station and they gave him times
so i have options
i go to check my email
and Costas has replied
telling me i can definitely stay with him
but he won’t be free til 20:30
so there is no hurry for me to be leaving
Stelios says we should do my laundry
smoke a joint
give him a good-bye blow job
yeah.
so i set about packing
and washing clothes
and then i break out my herbs again
this time
i roll a special joint…
yesterday wasn’t really beltane anyway
it was May 1st
the real Beltane will be this friday..
so it’s happening NOW
i dig through my bag til i find the Damiana
the catnip
the sage
clean them and groom them up
add some of the mugwort i picked from the Lido
dumped out the mugwort i picked in prospect park
add some yerba sante and a bit of mullen
and hash.
i hold the finished joint
perfectly rolled
in my fingers
and fill it with prayer
thanking it
and asking it for
just this NOW
to clear our demons
his and mine
to make us whole
complete
present
able to hear
able to speak
and i light it up
i take a few puffs
then hand it over
and right after he takes his first inhale
he pauses
looks at it
the says
“i respect what you have to say…
i would like you to tell me your opinion of me”
hmmm, excuse me?
he wants to know what i think about him
he’d like me to tell him everything.
Wow.
it’s been a long time.
i’ve been keeping to myself a lot of what i Think about people
my judgements
well, sure, i write about them
but this is myself, my vent…
if you come here to read what i think about you
you’re asking for it
but he’s asking for it
verbally
right in front of me
so i pull myself together
and set out to tell him.
telling someone my judgments is so healthy..
no animosity
and very little defensiveness from his side
though occasionally he throws up intellectual mazes to get lost in
— i tell him i thought about him at the springs today…
he drinks so much coffee and smokes so much
because swimming in that water every day fills him with Yin
and if he sits with Yin
he has to feel his body
which is pleasure and sex and stuff
but it’s also pain and sadness
and nature
and life
and all that stuff
i exactingly repeat the language he uses
how he cuts himself off from surprises
guards himself from possibilities unforeseen
relegates his life to something safe
prepared for the worst
keeping everything in its right place
he listens..
and only a few times in the next few hours does he try and make me feel bad for his own feeling bad about hearing what i’ve said
but i just say “yes yes yes” and let it slide off
because he hasn’t seen me
hasn’t listened to me
hasn’t felt me
doesn’t say anything about me
just stuff..
it’s ok.
and i suck him off again
pushing all of his orgasm into opening his heart
— he clutches his chest to make me stop
pushes me into his second chakra:
we all want so badly not be alone…
waiting for the laundry to finish…
he smokes again
and suggests i make sandwiches to take on the bus with me
so i do
and
the manual labor
frees my mind
and is that the marijuana?
or some great understandings..
i think things i don’t want to forget
but i can’t write them down now because my hands are all oily
so i play them over and over in my mind
and the more i play them
the more i try and evolve them..
when i’ve finished making my sandwiches
i eat a piece of bread
with feta and spicy greek salami
then wash my hands
he tries to make me empty the washing machine
but it’s not ready yet
so i go to my computer and jot these things down:
—–
i’d rather feel sad than exist without emotions
so when i find myself shut off from my emotions
or being in an emotionless situation/relationship
i often make myself sad because it is so familiar to me
it’s easy
and preferable to being numb
—->
but perhaps i should begin experimenting with other emotions?
work shopping them
or just being more open to them.
this all happens unconsciously…
how do i bring my emotions more into my consciousness?
—-
while i was tell him “my opinion” of him
i tried to give him examples as to why he acts the way he does
showing him that many of his actions are to keep him from feeling his emotions
and just getting on with life (getting around it)
“it has nothing to do with emotions
it’s Reality”
–‘ yes i know. emotions are a part of reality… most people have them ‘
he stopped his mouth with that and i could see his eyes watching the wheels in his head
his heart gulp
———
while eating my bread
i looked up and saw a glass measuring cup he had obviously brought back from his two years in the USA
it said on it:
“america’s #1 glass ware!”
which reminded me about him
about me
about everyone who’s constantly spieling:
— people who have to talk about things constantly
are doing it out of insecurity:
they’re testing you to see if you’ll swallow the same bullshit
they’ve been living on
something inside of them knows the fallacies need to be challenged
and some quiet voice is begging for it..
————
we left after i put the clothes in the dryer
and headed into Zaxaro
he looked around for parts for the water heater
and basically disappeared from me
i trailed along behind him
taking pictures of the city
the church with the re-bar sticking out of it
the letters
i could not capture the people
strange empty quiet town
i walked into a bakery and bought some sweets for the bus ride
baklava and other little things…
i followed him into a butcher shop
he selected a cut of meat
the greek man
with his balding head
big mustache
handled the meat with his big bare hands
no gloves
as he shoved the meat into grinder
scooped it out of the spout
and shoved it through again
threw it in some paper
threw it on the scale
punched in the numbers
took the money and gave the change
no gloves
no hand washing
this is not america
this is not the corporate nation of the world
Stelios reprimanded him
but only to me
saying it to the butcher might get him punched
he said he likes cleanliness much more
me
i keep thinking of those big hands
so big from handling all that raw life
death
life
meat.
then he said
we have to hurry!
of course
always
we rushed back to the house
and he set to make spaghetti
talking about how we had not time
had to hurry
had to rush
had to do it all right
and becuase everything i did (or anyone else, i’m sure) would be wrong
he had to do it All himself
peeled the onions
the garlic
threw them in a blender with tomato paste from a carton
i asked if we could add one fresh tomato to the blend
half of a carrot
but he was too busy
and was annoyed i was interrupting his flow
and wouldn’t let me do it
he had to clean the tomato himself
and peel the carrot
and he threw the whole thing in there
way too much carrot
but he didn’t understand
and at this point
it was funny
and i felt like the door was open
so i said
“honey, if you hung around faggots they would all call you a Control Queen”
which he immediately tried to defend himself from
so i just playfully hounded him about it
he put TONS of salt into the sauce
too busy to feel anything
too busy to taste anything
right.
poured the sauce on the meat
and left me to make the pasta
i was ready to pull it out al-dente
but he wanted it cooked to mush
so i pulled mine out early
poured some sauce on it
and went out to sit in the sun
staring at the beautiful mountains
not another meal on the other end of a long table away from him
it was Ok.
food [ish]
damn.
I WANT MORE LIFE!
all packed up
i stood on the scale on his floor:
72kgs.
i put on my boots
put on my back pack
my front pack
and held my lap top
stood on the scale
109kgs
so i’m carrying around about 37 kgs.
gotta get rid of some shit.
i’m wearing my modified chef’s pants
and they are getting a tear near the crotch
might be near time to retire them…
i load my stuff in the van
and say goodbye to the house
go to hug Stelios
and he freaks out as if he’s being attacked..
we’d not hugged this whole time
and when i do finally get my arms around him and grab him
his arms are out to the side
like he’s being squished:
he holds his breath.
wow.
ok.
he takes a picture of me standing on his porch..
and i close his fucking gate for the last time.
of course
we get to the bus station and have to wait over twenty minutes
gotta rush! gotta hurry!
when the bus comes
i give him another hug
this one is better
bye bye, Stelios
be well.
the bus ride is nice
but it’s pretty full.
i’m sitting in seat 36
next to a cute chubby greek guy
but he’s specifically not looking at me
though i did catch his eye before we got on the bus
is it the beard, dear?
is it the sulfur smell?
not far into the trip
a couple get up from their seat
and because i’m sitting in the aisle
i run up to snatch their seat so i can look out the window
however
as i’m lifting my leg to get into my seat
my pants rip
big
cock falling out
ha!
hello
ok.
hmmmm
i go back to grab my computer
walking sideways
hmm
sit in the seat
i was told i’d have to switch buses at tripoli
so i’m worried about that
… as we turn away from the sea side
we head up into the mountains
and it’s cloudy
rainy
i get out my computer
i want to catch up on the days i was with Stelios: i couldn’t write while i was with him
he never gave me a moment’s peace.
however
writing on these windy mountain roads is making me sick
so i have to stop
… and watch Greg and i on my iPod
— amazing
for a married man
he was so loving
i mean
it was a scene
as so many things are
but his scene was the same as mine:
loving and intimacy
a connection
a relationship
yeah
i could only feel it while we were together
but he was very good at it
a very loving daddy…
i miss him
especially because i’m pretty sure i’ll never be with him again…
. . .
i don’t have to change buses at all
i write more
there are some amazing views
deep canyons
rivers
boats
we get into Athens
and i’m a bit worried
i walk around a while
and call Costas
where are you?
waiting at a gate i didn’t come in at
but that doesn’t surprise me
i don’t imagine it would be easy for him to get the right information
he’s a sweet looking guy
i’m holding my lap top in front of my crotch
we have to wait in line quite a while for a Taxi..
and i forget entirely about asking him to ask the information people about Istanbul buses…
it’s not a far ride to his house
we have a good rapport
i feel good about him.
he has a separate apartment for me
he lives on a street that translates as “good luck”
the room is in the basement
it’s tiny
but it’s mine
how nice!
he says
“take a shower
call me when you’re ready
and i’ll come down for you and bring you up to my apartment”
so i do
the shower is in the bathroom
which is about as big as a shower stall
just close the toilet
turn the water on
from the toilet
through the shower hose
which goes through the electric heater
turn it on slowly
wait til there’s heat
then turn it on a bit more til it’s the right temperature
(like in Brazil, hello brazil… but this is a different model)
— how come the countries of the south do stuff like this
when i NEVER see it in countries of the north?
hot water isn’t important enough to figure out?
the water pressure is too slight
i don’t even try to wash my hair
i use some lavender oil
and put on my red pants
then give him a call
he tells me to bring my lap top up
we’ll figure out how to get it on line
then… he introduces me to his boy friend
who is very nice and all
ah, this is the situation.
i’m staying in his fuck-pad.
yeah.
…. we can’t get my computer online
but he orders some food for me
solvaki and some fatty meaty thing
fries
greek salad.
of course.
we watch TV
some greek sit com
a detective?
a chubby older guy
in drag
young beautifuls…
then Fame Story
like an American Idol show
way too many characters and back and forth
and drama
ughhh
some kid sings “dust in the wind”
ugh.
and i’m too full
and there is too much food
and his boy friend likes me better with my hair down
and it’s midnight and i’m tired
so Costas walks me back down to the room
and he helps me make the bed
and turn on the heat
and our clothes are off
and he’s gets me once
but he’s not cuming himself
i feel like i’m being farmed for the relationship
and i’m tired
goodnight: i need to sleep.