[1st] second, fourth, fifth [16th]

you know
baby
what one of those really long days are like
what is it?
something about it
deprived of something
so hungry for it
and
i washed my sheets
been home over a week
and sleeping on an almost-bare mattress
coz my roommate seemed to have lost all the fitted sheets
bought some new ones
finally got them washed
made the bed
and
put the computer on a cardboard sheet: found a wireless network!
sat on the computer
what
horned
looking
dreaming
hoping
wish
and he’ll be yours
or
you’ll be his?
the night went on
somewhere around five AM some guy met me on my roof
and i tried
but admitted to him
pretty quickly
he just didn’t do it at all for me
“maybe we could just be friend”
yeah maybe (go away)
underneath my eyelids is the gravel my feet have been carrying in from the roof
or under my skin
inside my heart
yeah
pumping through my body
— scraping.
as the sun rose
— still awayke
typing away
i called someone
and flipped a coin
jumped on my bike
(went to fill the tyres with air)
and rode (first time) across the Williamsburg bridge
it was beautiful…
but only hours later, naked upon the roof
did i notice the bridge ascends to about the 5th or 6th floor…
it was an intense ride: especially being so low of energy as i was
kinda ill
and totally sleep deprived.
italian guy
what am i doing?
something fun
(something desperate)
there’s a little dog
mixed peekinese/chiuaua
peanut
chewing on my toes
fun
yeah
but i had to sleep
nearly passed out on the couch..
i got back to 79 clinton
and
deservedly- Crashed.
the day didn’t go too well..
this guy in Williamsburg was a Leo, born August 2nd.
i only guessed and asked because of the degree of passion/intensity of our sex
and them him telling me of the patterns he made for some big company: clothing design
what’s the odds? (i sighed…)
Leo.
i slept until about 3:15 pm
shuffled about
and didn’t make it to the roof til after 4
laying naked
brushing my hair
phone calls
water
tea
chyawanprash with honey in water
burning through my system
— i’ve been farting all day, coz of it, i’m sure
Client came over
who expected nothing but some half-assed rub and a fuck
— i started massaging him
and his eyes rolled up
lolled about
he couldn’t opent them; he couldn’t close them
his fingers and legs twitched
energy surged through his body as he released….
Jewish guy
family in for the holiday
found his nephew’s pot
scolded him
he and his sister [kid’s mom] smoked it
stoned
and on poppers
he melted into the floor
who was he?
i rushed out to my regular client
who makes czech porn and works for the opera
August 4th
i lavish things upon him
about his big fat dick (as all the Leo’s have)
and try and leave out the details about why his back hurts so much
his calves…
the massage goes well
i’m very happy
i love my work
and i hate thinking of how X tries to drag me into his stereotype of how i should be a victim and hate what i do
— i love it.
unfortunately
it is one of the only things i love doing right now.
oh, well that and leaving…
but we just can’t do that fast enough, can we?
anyway
i leave there
and look across the street on 9th ave
up at my friend Jim’s house..
i told him, earlier this year, that i really found him beautiful to look at and great to cuddle with
but i didn’t want to have sex with him anymore
— he acted like a pissed off five year old
and hasn’t called me back since
(Leo: forgot what day)
i’d like to call him
ring his bell
give him a hug…
but it’s four flights up
and i’m tired
and have to get up town to meet the guy Leo introduced me too..
i eat a falafel..
best i’ve had in the city
and catch the train.
this guy
he’s a professional dancer (used to be, now teacher/choreographer)
born Agust 5th, 1917
and really needs sex
sure he’s 88
don’t we all need sex?
what is it with sexy older men in these Cities needing to slather them selves in Cologne before i come over?
does it imbue them with some sort of sexual prowess?
i hate having that wierd smell all over me…
fortunately
his is mostly Narcissus…
but of course! [leo]
[maybe i’m tring to commit the ultimate insult and deny the Leo’s their individualy and Ego by lumping them together like this; . . . fuck’em]
[they’re beautiful, i love them- i can’t help my self… i’ll never have a really good relationship with one… i’ll never stop loving and wanting them… they’ll never really care…]
he can’t help
but talk incessantly
and show me all the pictures
(Hmmmmmm [NES] from amsterdam! how i miss my…)
and all the movements
and modern dance
and demand (with his energy) i pay attention always
and i’m so fucking tired
and at least he notices i make love instead of just have sex
and that’s nice
and i’ve really got to go
and i always find it sad when they don’t notice the subtle hints
or
really
they do
so they try even harder to keep me there
and i have to struggle
break free–
good night!
down on broadway
a few minutes later
(in my utter exhaustion i decided to walk down broadway looking for a Wine store that sells Elderberry wine)
i’m in a grocery store
wanting Açai— but buy a Ben&Jerry’s icecream bar instead
some long haired guy walks up to me
utters some drivel
pushes against me
and says he’ll meet me out side…
i recognize him?
From the Faeries?
NO!
it’s that long haired guy i met at Bruin Buddies two years ago
when i took Danny there
and met Nayland again..
in fact, N just brought him up in conversation a few days ago as an example of a vampire
and there he is
— never tells me his name
pays no attention to what i’m doing
just talks constantly
trying to relate himself to me with all of his non-sequiter stories and bullshit
following me blocks
which is alright: as long as i’m walking
but when he makes me stop at a corner
i lose patience quick
and force him away
begrudgingly giving him my bear411 profile name.
i walk on
eventually find the wine shop: it’s at the corner of 74th street
fine
jump on the 1 train
and read more Catcher in the Rye…
did i mention?
i found an old moldy copy for a dollar at a used book store
the simple red cover
bought it
and started reading it!
it’s great!
i’ve not read it since i was 14 or something..
and when i was a child
i thought Holden knew everything…
as he thinks he does..
as a… Man? now…
i see how naive and silly he is
and it’s cute
and it’s teaching me so much about myself and the remnents of my emotions stuck there
with him
somewhere in the Rye field…
i walk the underground maze at 14th street
only to find the F train isn’t running down town for some reason
so surface
and start walking
comming upon 7th ave
realizing i was going the wrong way
i turn back around
and a down the block
i catch the M14D
— as it goes past NOWHERE
i notice there are still people there (it’s about 2:15am)
so i jump off the buss because i want some whiskey.. and conversation
the bear boys are pretty stylish at this hour
and i sit in a chair by myself
far apart
so i get perspective…
there is a really beautiful guy
intimidating: why would i talk with him?
he’s already got a friend…
i satisfy myself just watching him..
and those guys at the end of the bar keep looking at me
and they look like they’re having fun with eachother
hanging out with the DJ
talking
so i go to sit with them
listen
big black guy in the middle of the bar, on my left
makes comments at me i can’t understand
i’m so tired
i play along
… i don’t get it
i start talking with a thin boy who looks familiar..
do i know him?
conversation’s alright
he moves closer and closer
the bar tender gives me a free drink
pours me another whiskey twice as full as the one i just paid $5 for…
GOOD!
i slap another $2 on the counter
and this boy and i go sit on the couch
and he lives just down the street from me..
we talk
and he knows Danny
danny was here!
i just missed him
Danny is a virgo… so is this boy.. a Chris
Chris and i walk home together
and i try and make it clear to him i’m not interested in him sexually (for many reasons)
similarily
it just makes him work harder
so he tells me he REALLY needs to pee
could he come up?
(uggggggggh)
i let him pee on the second landing
he follows me up to my appartment
invites himself in
and tells me we’re going to cuddle
then tells me i should give him a massage
i’m a millimeter away from telling him to get the fuck out
when he turns me over
and starts punching and hammering and jittering into my back
it hurts
and isn’t very relaxing
and doesn’t feel good
and i wish he would stop and leave
does the same to my feet
distractedly running around different parts of my body:
feet parts
calves
belly
nipples
grrrr
he’s so horny!
he has to pull his dick out and jack off
has to
and with that cum
doesn’t eat it (safe and all that shit)
needs a cum rag (which isn’t a part of my reality: i always eat it or rub it in… or plant it)
i give him napkins
and force him out
take a shower
sit down on the bed
find the wireless network again
and type this out
maybe i’ll be good an catch up on all the stuff i’ve been meaning to write
but it’s all really sad and angry and bitchy and sad
and angry
and bitchy
and sad.
So it goes!