when i woke this morning
i went back to sleep pretty quickly
had the curtain down
the mechanical curtain
and the other
black out
dark.
i slept till 11
and when i woke again
i opened the heavier one
translucent sea scene
industrial wrecked modern dock
something
it was a while before Joshua woke
and there was speculation of what the day could be
but we meditated
and then talked about what we wanted with and from and for eachother
we were gonna move rooms
we were gonna eat
it all took a while.
i brushed my hair
i put on more oil
eventually
J had to go down to make it happen
but we got new room keys
moved up one floor: 21-19
now facing the city
a little terrace
a door we could open
for air.
much better
alright
alright
running down for food
and
Hey
an ethernet cable.
we ate right across the street from the hotel.
simple day menu
food
alright
ok
so it goes. as it is.
right on, whatever
a carafe of wine
all for me
where’s Leo?
no
but there’s a Leo
must be
sitting over there
british guy
the beautiful beautifuls
who don’t know it or like it or want it
or some confusing mixture of that…
we walked around the block
and everything was closed for Siesta
it was 3… yeah, three already
back up to the room
i thought i’d write
J took a nap
Siesta
it’s all about siesta.
i thought i’d write
i didn’t.
i posted a little
i sorted
i masturbated
and with that
J woke
near 7
i thought i’d rest
but i couldn’t
laying in the sun
trying to be a good cocksucker
trying to be a good worshiper
feeling like i was a million miles away.
we cuddled while the sun went behind the mountain
but i was feeling covered in vermin…
we went down around 8:45
after i rolled a little j for J and i
it’s alright
some catalan champagine
and some big super chub from frankfurt to glommed on to me
and was too busy pushing his adgenda to notice i wasn’t interested
where ever i was
feeling terrible
i went for a walk
hadn’t moved much all day
got two bottles of water
back to the hotel
up to the room
to remember my necklace
some vitamin C
my mobile phone
oh yeah
off into the city
down to catch the bus leaving to the bar thingie
whatever was going on tonight.
what was it?
when we got there
we asked for a good place to eat…
well
he gave us directions
but how to follow them?
joshua being a bit nervous about it
me being not sure
some huge traffic circle
we ended up just going the wrong way
and going into some random bar thing
i got cordero
he got a patella
both were mediocre
and we wandered back through the streets
he thinking us lost
me
pretty much
just finding my way…
the bon bon and j had all smoothed out to me
actually giving him a spiel about him living in his head
and walking actualizing his body making the messages it’s trying to tell him
loud
so his chest hurt
but not to be afraid of the pain
to go into it
be full presence in it
he said
“then it will take care of it?”
no
you will take care of yourself
when you are actually fully in yourself in your full presence
you are a being of infinite knowledge, capability and Power
don’t be afraid of it
just be it.
always feels silly to say shit like that
however usefull it is
our human stories
but
magic herbs
there we go.
the Fur bar was in an old cinema i guess
the ticket booth area outside was nice
cruising the guys
some really beautiful men
but we opened the door into the bar
and the music was too fucking loud
and the energy was not attractive to either of us.
Joshua had given me his situation earlier
that he just has no interest in these late night loud terrible things
i dig it.
so we stand around a talk a bit…
some guy walks by me
and says
” i really like your web page ”
with no pause for reply
he steps on by..
ah
alright
i don’t have to piss
but i follow him into the toilets
and open my fly
stand next to him at the wall
“i don’t have to piss, but it’s always nice to have my dick in my hand… you’ve seen my web page? who are you?”
he’s from Denmark
but tells me nothing of himself..
however
walking out of there
i notice the toilets open into the bar through another door
it’s less shocking
i pull Joshua in there with me
…
it’s loud and annoying
and not attractive at all.
there we are.
i look around at the people
standing
by the
bar
is a mustache
on a bavarian farmer
i bet his hair is red
i couldn’t tell from this light
but
that
is my friend
Rudi.
i walk up
and look at him
he turns
and smiles
and we just hug.
holding him
— the guy i really fell in love with in Europe back in 2002
imagining all the shit
dreaming and hoping
but he already had a gemini boy friend
.. what could i do?
they broke up two years ago
now he’s with a French farmer
who speaks french in a way i’ve never heard before
harsh and strong.
we all try and talk
but it’s too fucking loud
frustrating as all hell
and one of the british guys comes through to tell us the bus is leaving
and i know this place sucks
literally too loud to converse at all
and the music sucks so i ask them if they want to go with me
they tell me they’re with other people
mwa mwa
so i go..
on the way out
i talk with these cute guys i had seen the night before
from Manchester
Manchester is where it’s at!
(grin)
then i see Rudi and his troupe walk out
so i go with them
to the bus
to the new Disco…
i sit next to a Dutch superchub
who tells me Northern Holland is the best place.. (where he’s from)
but he lives in Rotterdam now…
mmmm
we arrive
this place is a mall
a mall filled with tons of discos at the back
lots of hetero kids at other venues
all crammed together
i walk in
see Jim
but can’t say anything..
walk around and case the joint
and
as Rudi said when we were walking in
“this is not my place”
so i go and hug him and tell him i’m leaving
thinking i’ll probably just walk along the quayside back to the hotel..
but i’m not far from the front entrance of the mall
when i hear someone whistling after me
chasing after me
calling after me
it’s some dark-Dominician kid
we’re talking about NYC
he’s lived there in Washington Heights, i guess
he’s living in Manchester now..
is he gay?
i think he’s hitting on me
but he wants to smoke as well
and then there is this cute bear there
asking for a light
we all sit down
i roll a J
and two more kids show up
the bear is Carlos
who i’ve been talking with on line for… 5 years or so.
he saw me at the other bar
and followed me here.
he asks if i’d like to go for a ride
sure
we get on the back of his little scooter
and he drives me through the town
cool night air colder
up to the top of the southern mountain
the moon full, bright above us
the old fortress (military museum now)
looking down on the commercial docks
he talks about his boy friend he used to bring up here
amor is in the air
but i’m not really in the mood
we walk around and talk
and i’m so fucking happy to be around trees
and quiet
and moon
and dirt…
but i’m so tired
we kiss and hug a bit
and i know he’s horny for it
and look
this beautiful view now
over the city
— it’s like that place in Stuttgart where i was with Rudi
where we made out and were all googlie-eyed at eachother for hours
that one night many years ago…
and here
now
look
there’s a boy and girl making out
it’s a place for lovers
and
whatever we are.
we hide behind a cannon and play
though i’m so half hearted
but i perform
and wish i could just go home
he’s being over-ly romantic
and i’m not feeling like it
i’m longing some sort of love i don’t understand
something precious i’ve lost
i don’t want a bad cover version
especially not now.
so
i pull him back to the scooter
i pull him back
and suffer through another cigaret
and the whole story of his boy friend
they’d been together 5 years
he’s only 28 now
his boy friend is 24 now
yeah
troubles
his birthday is june 11
yeah
i know
i know about the troubles of now
and it’s sad
and love and all
but take me home
i’m so tired
driving through the city
traffic circles
taxi’s
bumps in the road
that big hotel
in the nowhere we’re staying
another cigaret
and it’s 3:30
damnit.
i need to sleep
so
yeah
later and all that
i come up to the room
and wash my face a few times to get the smell of him off me
the cologne
and how did his pubic hair get smelling like ass
did he already fuck someone tonight?
maybe i’m mistaking that scent
but it’s too strong
and i don’t like it
i brush my teeth
drink my psyillium
go to lie down in bed
play some solitaire…
but that’s not what i need
i want to write it all down
before i forget about it
an entire day to encapsulate
seeing Rudi again
and remembering the way i once could fall in love
“don’t leave me High…
don’t leave me high…
don’t leave me dry.”
” you just sit there wishing you could still make love ”